


The Choices We Didn't Make

by shemustbeprettyimportanttoyou



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: AU - Canon Divergence, Arranged Pairing, Baby Fic, Canon Universe, Deviates From Canon, F/M, Forced Pregnancy, Miscarriage, Post-Canon, Slow Burn, population control, up through most of 5x04 still exists
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-14
Updated: 2019-02-08
Packaged: 2019-05-06 23:57:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 24,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14658942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shemustbeprettyimportanttoyou/pseuds/shemustbeprettyimportanttoyou
Summary: Post-Praimfaya life, and everyone is freed from their radiation free homes. Civilization has began to evolve, and choices were made that Clarke Griffin doesn't agree with. Their ruthless leader, Blodreina, and her council choose to invoke a law that people are paired up with a compatible partner to produce one offspring in two years in order to make sure the human race continues to grow.





	1. Chapter 1

I never thought the world could get worse. I survived Praimfaya, and that was tough enough. But when everyone came together once again, that was when things began to change again. We found a separated peace with the Eligius people, but still had a fair amount of hostility between the two groups. It was like the grounders all over again. Except we were the grounders, and we had someone new in charge who didn’t go by the title of Heda.

Chancellor Jaha was once in charge. My mom was once in charge. Kane was once in charge. Lexa was once in charge. Now, Octavia was in charge. The people in the bunker both loved and feared her, but I didn’t know what to think of her. Part of me knew she was still the same girl who spent her free time chasing the butterflies. But the other part of me knew there was something dark and slithering beneath her skin.

I didn’t trust Octavia. Not after what she did to those people in the bunker. She claimed it was different from the culling on the ark, and us shoving over three hundred people to burn in Praimfaya. It was no different at all. Those were quick deaths, whereas her methods were slow and painful. These people suffered at Octavia’s hand so people had a sport to enjoy, and this made me fear her. If I stepped one toe out of line, I’d share the same fate as many before us.

We were pulled from our beds early this morning, and ushered outside by Octavia’s guards. I didn’t enjoy being shoved around at the brink of dawn because Octavia decided she had to meet with the entirety of camp immediately. Noon would have done.

“What is this about?” I asked Raven as we were ushered to the gathering area in the midst of the camp.

“No idea,” she shrugged. “Octavia and the others have been in council meetings all week. No idea what about.”

I drew in a sigh, whirling around to try and find the others amidst the chaos that was around me. People clung to their loved ones, unsure of what havoc was about to be wreaked. I was shoved and pushed until I reached the center ring where Bellamy caught me, helping me to steady on my feet.

“You okay?” he asked, giving me a look. I nodded, pushing away from his grasp as Echo came into view.

“Do you have any idea what this is about?” I asked him, hoping Octavia shared a slice of information with him. She still had a sliver of trust in him, and I hoped to God she trusted him enough with this.

“I’m as lost as you are,” he said quietly. “It can’t be good if they’re assembling everyone.”

I knew that, and I refused to believe it. I didn’t want to know what Octavia and her council was putting into law, and I didn’t want to know. I wanted to grab hold of Madi and drag her as far away from here as I possibly could because I didn’t know what was happening. This whole situation felt too official, and if we didn’t obey Octavia’s law, we would die. And I wasn’t going to let that happen.

Octavia took to the platform, her clothes flowing in a way that reminded me of the death wave storms during my time alone. She was a wave of death wherever she walked, and boy, did Octavia know it. Gaia and Miller stood on either side of her, being her second and third in command.

“We have risen from the ashes,” she started, raising her hands and gestured to the world around her. “We might have a small plot of earth, but we survived. And we will continue to make sure the human race survives generation down the line.”

Bellamy and I shot each other a look, one full of confusion. My stomach clenched at the direction I feared this would go, and I prayed to any sort of God that this was not where Octavia was intending for this to be taken.

“There are just over 1,000 people living on earth, and in order for our species to remain, we must take action to protect the human race,” Octavia said. “Which is why the council and I have made a law that all individuals eighteen and older must be paired up and produce an offspring in the next two years.”

My stomach dropped. My skin paled, and I felt like puking. There was no way Octavia could force us into this. There was no way my mom would let this happen, but the look on her face told me she helped make this happen. I wanted to scream, yell, do whatever it was to make sure they knew I rejected the council decision.

But then I would be labeled as an enemy of Wonkru.

“Your pairings will be listed later today. As you all know, we’ve been hard at work building homes for everyone, and they were a part of this project. You and your partner will be assigned a housing unit effective immediately. Thank you.”

I stood in a haze, nothing around me seemed real because I was told I was to have a child with someone. Stranger or friend. Bellamy’s hand went to my arm, but I didn’t know what he asked me because I still tried to wrap my head around what Octavia said. I snapped myself out of it the best I could, and met Bellamy’s concerned eyes. His tanned skin had paled, too.

“What the fuck are we going to do?” I whispered to him. “Your sister—“

“I know,” he said, his voice grave. “We’ll go meet with the council now. You and me.”

I followed Bellamy wordlessly to the council room where a line of people began to congregate already. Octavia had to have expected this. Everyone was angry, I was angry. My choices were being stripped from me, and I wanted nothing more than to strip Octavia’s choice from her. This wasn’t fair to any of us. We just got our lives back, and we were now being forced to create life in order for us to survive.

I once made a list of one hundred people with this in mind, but I never once thought to force them to do this. This was a choice each individual had to make.

“Bellamy?” Octavia asked, looking to him. “Why don’t you start?”

Bellamy looked to me, giving me his turn.

“Why?” I asked. “Why are you forcing people into this? Octavia, you were part of the hundred. We were sent down here to die, and now you’re forcing us to procreate? Why not urge the established couples to do this, not those of us who are still trying to find our place.”

Octavia looked at me with a look of stone. It reminded me so much of Jaha and how he was when Wells and I were growing up. There was nothing any of us could say to make her change her mind. It was already made.

“The human race has to survive,” Octavia said. “If I recall, you once said the same thing.”

“I did, but that was for Praimfaya. This is a new time,” I said. “This isn’t fair. What about Nathan Miller and Eric Jackson? You’re forcing them to pair up with women when they’re very much together. And what about you and Niylah?”

“I’m with Clarke on this,” Bellamy said when his sister’s eyes flitted to his. “This isn’t fair on anyone.”

“Dr. Griffin and Dr. Jackson have agreed to take those circumstances into consideration, and we will be applying science to those cases,” Octavia said, as if she rehearsed this a thousand times. “No one is escaping the law, Clarke.”

“You can’t force people to become parents if they never planned on it,” I said through gritted teeth. “You can’t expect people to be okay with bringing children into this world? We’re still at war with the Eligius ship, and you want half of our population to be impregnated? You’ve lost your fucking mind, Octavia.”

Octavia sharply stood up, her sword drawn, and pointed it at my throat. I knew this was coming. I wasn’t surprised, but Bellamy was. I didn’t know how he could be, Octavia isn’t the girl he raised anymore. She hadn’t been that person in a long time.

“You’re Wonkru, _or_ you’re the enemy of Wonkru. Choose,” she sneered. My silence was answer enough because she withdrew her sword. “Good choice, Wanheda.”

I narrowed my eyes in Octavia’s direction. I hadn’t been that person in a long time, mostly because there was no one to kill. Now it was kill or be killed, and if I did, I was deemed an enemy of my own people. I wasn’t about to leave the people I cared about in Octavia’s hands. I knew Kane was in the pit once before, and somehow survived. He was lucky.

“This was your idea, Clarke,” Octavia reminded. “You made a list on the ability for people to have children.”

“By choice,” I said, stepping closer to her table. “I never intended to force women to carry strangers’ children. We should encourage those who are together to have children, and the others to continue their lineage. Our people have only ever had one child, and we should encourage them to have more.”

“We are,” Octavia said. “Everyone of childbearing age must have a child, Clarke.”

“Forcing people to become parents who never wanted that is going to cause an uproar,” I said. “We need people to be able to fight a war, too.”

“We have warriors, and the people here have been thoroughly tested,” Octavia said. “There’s a number of women who are unable to have children, so we have warriors. You and the other women will just need to worry about carrying to term. If we’re lucky, we’ll get some more nightbloods from you.”

“Is that the only reason you want Clarke to participate?” Bellamy cut in. “For nightblood?”

“Not the only reason,” Octavia shrugged. “But if we have more of them, then we’ll be able to turn more people into one since Dr. Griffin figured it out. And when Madi comes to age, she’ll contribute to the population with Ethan.”

“You are not using Madi,” I sneered. “You touch her, and I’ll kill you, Octavia.”

“This isn’t right, O.” Bellamy said, putting his hand on my shoulder to hold me back. “You’re talking about kids. This isn’t like anything we’ve ever done. Maybe we should let the race die if we’re doing this to the survivors.”

“I’m sorry, but the council decided,” Octavia said. “My hands are tied, big brother. The law is the absolute law. The vote was unanimous.”

My eyes snapped to my mother, whose eyes were directed down at her folded hands.

“You voted for this?” I asked. “You voted for us to have kids? Who are you?”

“Clarke,” she sighed. “You have to look at it from the scientific side. It is—“

“What about resources, mom? Eden is all the survivable land we have, and we have the Eligius prisoners also eating our limited resources,” I said. “There’s no way—“

“We’re working on making the dead zone arable,” Octavia said. “Cooper and some others are testing their theories near Polis so we can still utilize the bunker. We need farm land, and right now, we don’t have a lot of it.”

“This will never work,” I said.

“It can, and it will.”

***

Bellamy followed me silently to the river after breakfast. Neither of us said anything in fear of stepping on eggshells. I raised Madi by myself for over six years, but I never thought of becoming an actual mother. It was easy to raise someone if you’re the only other person on earth, but growing someone and taking care of them was completely different.

“What happens now, Bellamy?” I asked. “We tried, and we failed to get your sister to change her mind.”

“We play our part,” he said, sitting next to me. “I don’t like this any more than you do.”

“I’m scared to look at that list,” I admitted, looking at him. “I don’t want to know.”

“Neither do I,” he said quietly, picking at the cloth of his pants. “We’ll be okay. Everything always works out for the best. You saved us on the ring, and you survived Praimfaya. You’re invincible.”

I snorted. “I’m not invincible. Madi nearly killed me with a bear trap,” I said, gesturing to the nasty scars on my legs. “I never saw myself bringing kids into this. Madi was it for me.”

“The only kid I had any luck with was O, but even now I’m questioning my abilities on raising a kid,” he said, his lips quirking up. “We’ll be fine. We’ll figure out like we always do.”

I stayed silent, listening to the sound of the rippling water. I knew it would be fine, and I knew that I would leave this camp before it ever got too far. There was still a chance I would bring a child into the world, but if I found a way to leave this camp with that child and Madi, then it was worth it. I had to think about the long term effects of this law.

“I don’t trust her, Bellamy,” I whispered. “She’s not the same girl who chased butterflies.”

“No. She’s not,” Bellamy admitted sadly. I hated seeing him like this, and I knew he too would be partnered with someone. The fact that Octavia was forcing her brother into this was unsettling, and I knew they already teetered on a tipping scale. It wouldn’t take too much to cause Bellamy to leave.


	2. Chapter 2

My mood didn’t lighten from the time Bellamy and I left the river. Neither of us knew what to say to one another. Both of our lives were expected to change the moment we saw who our partners were. I couldn’t lie and say I looked forward to finding out who my partner was, even if I knew them. I didn’t know which one would be worse. Knowing someone might make it easier, but did I trust them? We were supposed to have a child together, and what if I hated that person? What if they were complete asses most of the time we lived together? Would they treat Madi right?

These were all hypothetical because of the situation. How was I supposed to let someone know me well enough to let them make a child with me? I didn’t even want children. At least not at the point I was at in my life. We just got back some normalcy, and I wasn’t about to let my youth flitter away because of a law my best friend’s sister imposed on Wonkru. But it wasn’t about what I wanted. It was about what was good for Earth and keeping the human race alive.

I walked into camp that was afire with conversation. I suspected the partners have been posted, and I didn’t have the courage to make my way over there yet. Not when the next two years of my life were dictated by that piece of paper. I wanted to forget it existed for a few moments, and the only way to do that is to stay away from there.

Women sat along buildings with boys, strangers, alongside them. They had solemn eyes and tears streaking down their faces. No one wanted this, and that’s what the most frightening thing was. No one wanted to be forced to bear a child in their womb, but Octavia made it so we didn’t have a choice.

I sat on a bench, and leaned against a building trying to get a chance to build up my courage to look. I needed to find out who I was paired with sooner rather than later, but it could wait a few more minutes.

“Clarke, honey,” Mom’s voice cut through the air. “I wanted to talk to you, but you stormed out of here with Bellamy in tow.”

“Yeah, Mom, I did,” I nodded, glancing at her. “What do you want?” I asked.

I was in no mood to talk to her. I wanted to stay as far from that board as possible, but I needed to treat it like a band-aid. Rip it off and get it over with. At least that’s what my mother always told me growing up. Though it didn’t seem to make much difference now.

“I need to talk to you about the list,” she said, her voice lower than her normal tone. I closed my eyes and sucked in a heavy breath. “It’s important.”

“You’ve already decided that I’m nothing more than a walking womb, what else could you need?” I snapped quietly. I had no interest in humoring her, not after what she did to us. “Because I don’t really want to think about it.”

“Clarke,” she sighed, my name coming off like that of sweet desperation rolling off the tip of her tongue. Her voice sounded heartbroken, but I had nothing left within me to care. “I made sure you were taken care of.”

I looked at her, unsure of what she meant.

“What did you do?” I gritted through my teeth. “Did you pull me from the list?”

“No, I couldn’t. Not when you have nightblood. I did what I could, and found someone worthy,” she whispered, reaching for my hands. Her hands, so soft and tender, wrapped around mine. I looked at her and tried to figure out who or what she meant. I didn’t know what in the world she was talking about.

I knew she wasn’t the same after the six year separation. The pills affected her in ways I couldn’t even begin to describe, and Octavia letting her practice medicine was yet another stress in my life. My mother’s head wasn’t in the right place, and allowing Octavia and the rest of the council to vote for this was an example of that.

“Mom, what does that mean?” I asked. She smiled, her glossy eyes threatening to overflow as she looked at me. “Tell me.”

“You’re going to be okay, Clarke,” she whispered. “They’re going to take care of you like they always have. I trust him with your life.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat still trying to figure out who in the world she was talking about. Her eyes followed me, seeming to try and tell me who she meant. I didn’t know who she could be talking about because—

“Clarke!” Bellamy’s voice cut through the air, thick and urgent. I turned to him, my eyes searching the crowd to meet his eyes. They were wide and alarmed, and that’s when I knew what she meant.

She meant him.

I pushed away from my mother to meet Bellamy in the middle. He opened his mouth to say something, but no words tumbled from his lips. What words were there to say in this situation? None, that’s what. My mother chose Bellamy as my partner during this, and for that, I was grateful. Bellamy and I had always been friends, but what would be the ripple effect of this? She might have just ruined everything Bellamy and I built back up. After not seeing each other for so long, we finally got to a place where we were normal.

I wrapped my arms around him, holding him close to me. His arms pulled me tighter against his torso, and he rocked the two of us. I wasn’t sad, or upset, but I needed this. I needed his support like I always had.

“We’re going to be okay,” I whispered into the hug, knowing he needed it more than I did. Bellamy always thought he needed to be okay all the time, and he never got a chance to break. His sister is the one who forced us to do this, and it was okay to not be okay.

“Will we?” he mumbled against my neck.

“We’re in this together. Like always, Bellamy,” I said, pulling away from him. His eyes were dark and wild. He was scared, just like I was. “Together.”

He nodded, the words once against slipping away from him. Bellamy looked down at his hands, fiddling with a set of keys wordlessly. This made me think of all the times I saw him in emotional distress, and this was one of the rare moments he was speechless. I didn’t think it was possible for him to be this way, but it was a big change. For all of us.

“Where are we going?” I asked, grabbing the keys from his hands.

“They’re taking us in groups to the new housing units,” he said quietly. “Next group leaves in an hour.”

“Then let’s grab our things, and then leave,” I said, reaching out to squeeze his shoulder. “We got this.” I didn’t know who I was talking to. Me or him. I guess I spoke what we both needed to hear because we were in foreign territory.

I turned to leave him to gather his things, but he stayed frozen in his spot. I drew in a deep breath and stepped closer to him.

“Bellamy,” I said, grabbing his wrist. “We need to get moving. Need me to help you?” I asked, trying to reach his downward gaze. He nodded, not saying anything. “Let’s go to yours and Octavia’s room quick, then we’ll go to mine.”

I didn’t bother letting his wrist go because it seemed like he let his thoughts get a little lost. He did, however, reposition our grasp so our fingers were laced together. He held my hand tight, as if he was afraid I would let go. I turned to him and flashed him a brief smile before we stepped into Blodreina’s room.

Drapes covered the walls, all a muted earth tone of sorts. One large bed occupied the middle while a smaller one was pushed against the wall closest to the door. The way the small space surrounding the smaller bed was led me to believe this was Bellamy’s space. His sister was the leader of Wonkru, why wouldn’t she have the most space?

Bellamy’s hand dropped from mine to grab a sack of things, and he began to stuff his minimal things in his bag. He ran his hand over his beard as he looked over the things he had piled on the table at the foot of his bed.

“I never thought Octavia would do something like this,” he said quietly, looking down at a drawing Clarke did of the siblings. “It’s like being on the ark all over again, but this time, it’s my family doing the harm.”

“She wasn’t the only one who came up with this, Bellamy,” I whispered.

“Yeah, but she promoted it,” he said, looking at me. “I-she…I should trust my sister, but I don’t. Not when she excluded herself from this.”

“Is this about Echo?” I asked. “I assume you thought you’d end up partnered with her?” He shook his head, putting the photo between pages of a book and stuffed it in his bag.

“Echo and my sister had a strained relationship. If you can call it that,” he said. “Echo ended things a while ago anyways. Said we wanted different things, but I knew she couldn’t stand that I always took Octavia’s side.”

“And now?” I asked.

“I don’t know,” he shrugged. He closed his eyes as he continued to sift through his things. “Is it bad that I want to take things from her? Because she took away so much?”

“No,” I said, shaking my head. “I’d do the same. I probably have.”

Bellamy walked to the bookshelf against the wall on the left side of the window. His fingers ran across the spines. He occasionally stopped and plucked a few books off the shelves, stuffing them in the bag.

When Bellamy threw the bag over his shoulder, I knew he was ready. I gave him a half-hearted smile as I led him to where I was sleeping. Madi would soon be the only one occupying the small room instead of the two of us. It was better she stay here anyways. For now, at least. She was still young, and she needed interaction with people her age.

“Is it bad that I feel selfish?” I asked. “That I don’t care about anyone else today? Not even Madi?”

“No,” he said. “I feel the same. You’re the only other person who might understand what I’m going through even though all our friends are experiencing it.”

 _It’s because we’re going through it together_ , I wanted to tell him. I kept my lips silent as I stuffed my material things in the bag. I grabbed all I could, and I stood to face Bellamy.

“What’s going to change?” he asked, sitting on my bed. “Is anything going to be the same?”

“We’ll be the same,” I assured him. “You’ll always have me to count on.” His eyes seemed to lighten a bit as he reached out to hold my hand, and gave it a gentle squeeze.

“You should say goodbye to Madi,” he said. “We’ve got some time.”

“Octavia?” I asked.

Bellamy’s silence was enough of an answer. It wasn’t like we were going off to a place like Mount Weather or anything. We were going to be our own units of people and live our lives. He would see Octavia again, but I wasn’t sure if he ever wanted to. Not when she did this to him. He had to forgive her eventually, but their relationship had been rocky for years that at this point, I didn’t see how they could fix it. Too much happened that it could be unfixable.

We left my little room in search of Madi. She was on break from lessons, and it was long enough to wrap my arms around her and bid her a tearful goodbye. I didn’t want to leave her side. I hadn’t been away from her for a prolonged period of time since before we found some sort of peace. This was the first time we’d be separated for an indefinite period of time, and it scared me more than anything.

“We have to go,” Bellamy said, putting his hand on my shoulder. I nodded, giving Madi another hug, holding her close to me. I kissed her cheek, and followed Bellamy.

Someone fashioned a large traveling cart with benches. Bellamy and I climbed into it and took our seats in the corner, pressed against one another. We hadn’t even left yet, and he was beginning to drive me nuts with his bouncing knee. I couldn’t concentrate on anything but his knee, so I put my hand on his knee, giving him a gentle squeeze.

“Don’t be scared,” I said softly. If we’re both scared, we’ll fall into a hole of despair. “I need you, okay?” He nodded, his lips curling up.

“Somehow, that’s what’s making this better,” he said, picking up my hand, and turning it over so my palm was up. “If I didn’t have you, I think I might fall apart.”

I smiled at him, feeling the exact same way. He was the only reason I hadn’t fully freaked out. And for that, I was forever grateful.

***

Secured with the remnants of Polis, long buildings sat on the border of what people called Eden. Stands filled with food and other items stood in the courtyard between all the buildings. Despite the reasoning for the majority of us to be here, Octavia created a small community of people and homes for them to live in. They might not be the best place, but this was home.

I followed the group in front of me as we trailed to a line of people, probably men and women whom Octavia works closely with. They had sheets of paper sitting on the table in front of them.

“Name?” the woman asked Bellamy and me.

“Uh….Griffin?” I asked, unsure how Octavia was categorizing the pairings. “Or Blake.”

“If it helps, I’m Blodreina’s brother, Bellamy,” he said, his voice just above a whisper. I gave him a reassuring smile as I waited for the woman to flip between the sheets.

“Ah! Here you are, Blake,” she said with a grin. “You’re in building A on the first floor, room eight. You’ve got your keys?” Bellamy held up his keys, letting them jingle in front of the woman. She nodded, a brief smile on her face. “Good, good. Now, here is a folder that Blodreina and the council put together. Read through it, get to know it. Rules for this new community as well as the reason we’re all here. It’s fairly straight forward, but if you have any questions, don’t be afraid to ask one of us.”

I glanced to Bellamy before nodding. We walked to the building with a banner flapping on the pole above it, a boldened A painted on it. This was it. This was home.

“Shall we?” he asked. I nodded, feeling uneasy about the whole thing.

We crossed the threshold. Bellamy led the way, murmuring the numbers on the doors under his breath as we looked for the one that belonged to us. Bellamy stopped short as he found our door. He drew in a heavy breath, and inserted the key into the lock, twisting the knob open.

Candles in lanterns flickered around the room alongside the light that filtered into the apartment. It didn’t feel like a home, it felt like a temporary place. The walls were nothing more than dried cement, holding the building together. There was a table near a fireplace and some countertop and a washbasin. Heavy cast iron pans sat to the side of the fireplace to be used for cooking; this I was thankful for. A bookshelf was next to the front door, a few books already homed there, but otherwise empty. A sofa sat in the middle of the room in front of a coffee table with a few candles on it.

I rounded the corner inside to find three doors off the main room. One was a room with a chamberpot and another washbasin, the other two were bedrooms. The larger of the two had a large bed, a dresser, and a fireplace in it. The other bedroom had nothing more than the fireplace inside. But this was it.

“This is it,” Bellamy said, standing behind me. “Home.”

“Home,” I nodded, setting my bag down on the bed. He paced to the living room, spinning around a bit before sitting at one of the chairs in front of the table, extracting the papers from the booklet Octavia and the others made for us.

“We don’t need to go over that now,” I said, sitting beside him. “Today’s been an absolute nightmare. Why don’t we just get food and go to bed?”

“Because then we don’t have to read this tomorrow,” he sighed. “Besides, we need to know how rationing is working here. That will be in here.”

Bellamy placed the packet flat on the table’s surface, his finger trailing beneath the black words on the page. I drummed my fingers against the table as I waited for Bellamy to say something. Anything. I hated how they only gave us one of those packets.

“We get three small meals a day,” he said as he turned the page. “Water, there’s a well in the center. We take a bucket and refill the basins. Drinking water is a separate well, I guess.”

“What about the stuff not important to our livelihoods?” I asked quietly. Bellamy sucked in a breath.

“You’re going to get tested once a month, the dates are here,” he said, pointing to a section. “But that’s why we were supplied with a home. If we don’t follow through in two years, we’re back in the bunker rooms.”

I nodded, crossing my arms. I stood up and paced the room, thinking. I didn’t know how to even approach the subject matter. Octavia wanted Bellamy and me to have a baby together.

“How…how do you feel about this whole thing?” I asked.

“Not much we can do,” he shrugged.

“That’s not what I meant,” I whispered, glancing at him. His face flushed as he averted his gaze elsewhere. “I…we’re not like that, Bellamy. We never have been. So I’m sorry if this is a bit forward, but your sister wants us to have sex to have a child.”

“I know, Clarke,” he sighed, running his hand over his face. “How do you want to start this?”

“I don’t know,” I said quietly. “I’m scared, Bellamy.”

“Me too,” he said. “But we’ll get through this.”

“Together,” I murmured the same time he did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Thanks for commenting and such on the last chapter. It means a lot to me, and I really hope I'm capturing the Bellamy and Clarke we all know and love. Please leave some feedback, it's always motivating! I'm hoping to update in the next few days!  
> ~Amanda
> 
> Tumblr: shemustbeprettyimportanttoyou  
> Twitter: callmebellarke


	3. Chapter 3

I splashed some water over my face, trying to rid the day off my skin. I could hear Bellamy shuffling around, blowing out the candles. I leaned against the wall, trying to get a grasp of everything that happened in the span of one day. It was almost too much to handle in such a short amount of time.

For at least two years, this would be my life. After that, it wouldn’t be the same, though. They wanted me to give my body for the good of the human race. I didn’t know if I was ready for that.

“I’ll be in bed,” Bellamy said, tapping his knuckles against the door gently.

“I’ll be there soon,” I called back.

A few minutes to myself. That’s all I wanted, and Bellamy always gave it to me if I needed those few moments. When I walked out there, and to the bedroom we shared, I had to be prepared for just about anything. I didn’t want to think about what would happen in that bedroom either. Would things change between us? Would he refuse to go about this?

“You can do this,” I whispered, running my fingers through my hair. “You got this.”

I walked out of the bathroom, snuffing out the candle in the process. Faint chatter from the surrounding rooms filled the space, but it didn’t silence the sound of my own heart that whooshed in my chest at a fervent rate. I could hear Bellamy shifted in the bed, trying to get comfortable.

“Comfy?” I asked, closing the bedroom door behind me. He peered at me over his shoulder.

“No,” he sighed. “I didn’t expect too much. It’s a bed, though.”

He sat up in the bed, and patted the space beside him. I crawled beneath the covers and stared at the ceiling, trying to ignore the feeling of having him beside me. Both of us sat here in nervous silence, unsure of what to say or what to do. We were a man and a woman, both united by the fact we could have children.

“Clarke—“

“I don’t know,” I whispered, seeming to answer his unasked question. “Whatever it is, I don’t know.”

Bellamy turned on his side and stared at me. I didn’t feel uncomfortable, but this was different. He was the one I had to depend on for everything. This was a vulnerable feeling. Something untouched by either of us.

“We’ll be okay,” he said, brushing a piece of hair behind my ear. “I know it’s not the same, but did I ever tell you about how my mom got Octavia to hide in her hole?”

“No,” I whispered. I only knew Madi’s story.

“Octavia was afraid of the dark, which is surprising since we lived in space. When my mom found out about the surprise checks, she’d give my sister her favorite toy and tell her to say ‘I am not afraid.’ It usually worked after a few times, but she got in the hole,” he said, a lopsided airy smile on his lips, remembering the seemingly easier times of our lives.

“Why are you telling me this?” I asked, not getting the point to his story.

“Because we are not afraid,” he murmured. “We can’t afford to be because if we are, we’ll never move forward with Wonkru. We have to face our fears.”

“Fear is death,” I said, uttering the words of the man I faced.

“Weakness is death,” he nodded. “I know you’re scared, and, fuck—I am, too. You have no idea how scared I am, Clarke. My sister is doing the exact opposite that the ark wanted us to do.”

“But why choose?” I asked.

“You’re the one who made the lists,” he pointed out.

“I made them for capable people, not assignments,” I retorted. “There’s a difference. Besides, I just got Madi out of the difficult stage, and your sister wants me to raise another kid?”

“I know,” he said. “But I promise you I’ll be here. We don’t have to—“

“First time is always awkward,” I said, flickering my eyes to his. “No matter when we get to that point, it’s going to be awkward.”

Bellamy nodded, eyes sliding over the curves of my face. I reached to his, and rested my palm against the bristled beard along his jaw. His brown eyes were wide and unsure. I’d stared into them enough to know just how he felt by the subtle glint in his eyes. My eyes trailed down his face, watching as his tongue slipped between his lips, wetting them as he moved closer to me and closed the distance between us. His chest now brushed my own. My heart pounded in my chest.

“You can say no,” he said quietly. “We don’t have to do this tonight.”

“I’ve been told I’m not very fun,” I said, recalling a conversation I once had with Wells and Finn.

“It’s sex,” Bellamy deadpanned. “It’s always fun.”

“Yet here we are,” I said, motioning to the space around us. “Being forced to make a baby.”

“Clarke,” he sighed. Whatever moment we built up in our minds, it was gone. The infamous sigh of my name said as much. “We really don’t have to do this. Not now.”

The moment, albeit a brief one, was ruined. I turned away from Bellamy, flipping over on my side. I could still feel Bellamy’s eyes boring into the back of my head.

“Just go to sleep,” I said. “We’re not getting attacked or anything, Bellamy. So sleep.”

Silence hung in the air between the two of us for a good while. I closed my eyes, trying to fall asleep to bring the next day even closer. The shit show that was today needed to end.

“Clarke,” he said again. I didn’t turn over. “Come on. Talk to me.”

“What is there to say?” I asked, finally turning to face him. “What can you say to make this whole thing better? There’s nothing to say to make this okay. Your sister did this to us, Bellamy.”

“You think I don’t know that?” he asked. “I had a life, and once my sister found out Echo was alive, it was done. I don’t blame her.”

“You’re blaming yourself for your sister’s mistakes,” I said. “Octavia’s done things that I can’t even begin to understand. The whole ‘all of me for all of us’ doesn’t make sense, but they follow it as closely as the nightblood cult.”

“It does make sense,” Bellamy said, keeping quiet for a bit. “If you think of the situation they’re putting us in.”

“She said that when we were in the desert,” I said. “There’s more to it than you think. You know that.”

“I do,” he agreed. “But we’re giving up ourselves to further the human race. It makes sense why it would be a saying.”

“She killed four hundred people. That’s four clans wiped out,” I said. “Why?”

“I don’t have an answer,” Bellamy whispered. “I’m as lost as you. I never thought there would be a day where I didn’t trust my sister, but here we are.” He shrugged.

“Here we are,” I whispered, pulling myself up on the bed. I picked at the pajamas, not feeling so tired anymore.

I leaned my head back against the wall, staring up at the ceiling, Bellamy doing the same. He reached over, his hand grazing over mine, and interlocked our fingers together. I can recall only one other time he held my hand like this, and that was when I was about to go into the City of Light.

“We’ll figure something out,” I whispered, glancing at him. “Like always.”

His eyes locked with mine, if only for the briefest of moments.

“Can we figure it out later?” he asked.

My lips curved upwards, remembering a conversation we once had that ended just as this one was about to. That day seemed so long ago, and it was. We were both new to Earth, and still blissfully unaware of what was to come. In some ways, I envied our past selves. We had most of the 100 still with us, we survived in our camp at the dropship.

“Whenever you’re ready,” I sighed, breathing the words of a Clarke that once was.

***

I couldn’t sleep. How could I when all I could think of is what had yet to bloom in my body. Nothing there yet, but soon to be. My destiny rested with the man beside me and I had never been so scared.

 _All of me for all of us_.

As crazy as it sounded, Octavia held a small ounce of truth to her chant. We give ourselves up to expand the human race. It was a terrifying thought, but it’s a small price to pay to ensure our survival.

“You’re thinking loud,” Bellamy’s sleep ridden voice echoed through the room. “I thought you’d be sleeping.”

“I thought so, too,” I murmured. “I can’t turn my brain off.”

“Then try to,” he mumbled. “Sleep is good.”

“I can’t stop thinking about our…predicament,” I said. I wasn’t about to say our future child. I wasn’t about to word something that wasn’t even a thing yet. Bellamy had a tendency to overreact, after all.

“What about it?” he sighed, turning to face me.

“What then?” I asked. “What happens once it’s over? That’s no where to be found in the packet. We have a baby, and then what?”

“We raise it to be better than us,” he said.

“You make it sound easy.”

“Yeah, it’s not,” he snorted. “Look how well I did the first time. Besides, it’s usually better to have two parents than one and a brother.”

I offered him a ghost of a smile, but he didn’t return it. Something worried him, I could see it in his eyes. They didn’t have the glint of life they normally had. It wasn’t that he was tired, but something did bother him.

“You’re worried,” I said. “About what?”

“It’s nothing, Clarke,” he said. “Just try to get some sleep.”

“Not until you tell me,” I said, poking his arm.

“It’s not important,” he mumbled, swatting my hand away. I studied him. The way he held his features told me this wasn’t something he would drop. It was something he didn’t feel was worthy of sharing. “Stop staring, you’re making it hard to sleep.”

“Whatever you’re thinking about, it’s clearly important to you,” I said. “So why don’t you just tell me?”

Bellamy didn’t say anything, his eyes focused on staring out into the night sky. I sat up on the bed, and crawled over him.

“Hey, what are you—”

“Tell me,” I said, pinning his wrists above his head. “I’m not gonna leave this alone. In case you forgot, Bellamy Blake, but it’s the two of us against the rest of them. You have to trust me.”

He stared up at me with eyes I drew time and time again. A face I would never forget no matter how much time had passed.

“I didn’t ever plan on having kids, Clarke,” he whispered. “Not after what happened when Octavia was born.”

My grip slackened, but I kept my hands wrapped around them. I searched his face for some sort of answer, but didn’t find one.

“What happened?” I whispered.

“I thought my mother was going to die, Clarke,” he all but muttered. “There was so much blood and she wasn’t conscious. So there I was, at six-years-old, holding my little sister and freaking out about my mom. But there was nothing to be done.”

I released one of his wrists to push some of his hair off his face, letting my hand trail down and trace the stars etched on his skin.

“You have nothing to be worried about,” I assured him. “I’ll be fine.”

“You don’t know that, Clarke,” he said, his voice cracking. “What…what if you die? I can’t lose you again.”

“You won’t lose me, Bellamy,” I said, dropping my hand to his shoulder and ran it along his skin. “You couldn’t even if you tried.”

“Now you’re starting to sound like Octavia,” he said. “I can’t put you through that, Clarke. Not when I know something like that could happen.”

“Your mom survived, Bellamy,” I said. “You once told me we did what we had to do to survive. That still applies here. You’re thinking with your heart again.” I tapped his left breast before splaying my fingers across his chest.

“I know,” he said, placing his hand over mine. “But Clarke, this isn’t something we can just do away with. We’ve lived with our sins, but this? This is a kid we’re talking about.”

“It’s our only choice if we want to stay outside of the bunker,” I said.

“Wasn’t it you who said only choice was an oxymoron?” he asked. “Because we could flee.”

“And be an enemy of Wonkru?” I asked. He hummed, looking at our hands. “I know you don’t want to bring a kid into this world, but it is our only choice. If we do okay at it, then maybe the world won’t be as screwed up as it is now. We could better the world.”

“With one kid?” he asked, his lips curling into a smile.

“A whole slew of them, then,” I laughed. “It’s our job to grow the human race. All of us for them.”

Bellamy looked at me wordlessly, searching my face for an answer to a question left unasked. He reached up to tuck my bangs behind my ear. His hands never left my face, nor did his eyes.

“We can do this,” I whispered. “As long as we’ve got each other.”

“I don’t even know how to cross this barrier with you,” he admitted, his voice wavering. “There’s a line that we have to cross, and there’s no turning back once we cross it.”

I held his weary stare for a few moments. He was right, there was a line to cross.

“Then let’s cross it,” I said, dipping my hands beneath his shirt and slid them up to his chest. “No time like the present.”

“Clarke,” he said. “We don’t have to do this.”

“I know,” I nodded. “But we have to eventually.”

I leaned closer to him, my heart rate quickly gaining speed as I lowered my weight over him. I held his face between both of my hands, my thumb running over the prickly hair that hid his stars. I wouldn’t dream of hurting him, but we did have to cross this line sooner rather than later. I closed the gap between us, covering his mouth with mine.

Bellamy stilled, almost shocked I’d kissed him. His hands found my hair, his fingers finding their place wrapped in locks of pink and gold. I pulled him up by the collar of his shirt and wrapped my arms around his neck, holding him close to me.

“We don’t have to go farther than this,” Bellamy whispered, his voice small.

“We should,” I said. “We have to at some point in time.”

 _Only choice_.

Bellamy leaned, capturing my mouth in a kiss. I hadn’t been with another man in such a long time. I hadn’t been with another person since before Praimfaya. The last man who warmed my bed was Finn, but I’d hardly count him. He might have claimed me as the owner of his heart, but he was Raven’s. And he always would be.

I rocked my hips on his lap, garnering some expected yet unexpected response from Bellamy. I gasped, throwing my head back. Bellamy’s lips left mine, but they stayed on my skin, lighting their path with the warmth of his touch.

“You’re wearing too much,” I said, tugging at the t-shirt. He backed away, leaving my skin cold, and threw his shirt to the side.

Bellamy grasped my sides and flipped me on my back. He trailed his finger from my ankle to the inside of my thighs. A tremble of a breath shook through me at his gentle touch. I wanted him, all of him. I didn’t know whether it was brought on by this one moment or whether it was thoughts I’d procured when he was gone.

His lips curved to a sly smile as he cupped me, his finger sliding against my warmth. I silently thanked my past self for not bothering with undergarments hours before. My lips parted in a stuttered gasp, reaching for his hand. He took the bottom of my nightgown and pulled it over my head, leaving me bare and exposed for him.

Bellamy’s eyes roamed every curve of my body. Yet I didn’t feel self-conscious. I’d bared my soul to him on more than one occasion. There was no one I’d trust with my life or my body more than Bellamy. As far as I was concerned, he was the right person to do this with. I’d stay celibate if I were with anyone but him. He was the knight who protected me, and I would do the same for him.

“You’re radiant,” he breathed, his fingers traced my curves before settling on cupping my breasts. “There’s no words to describe how you look because you’re absolutely breathtaking.”

When his lips met my pelvic bone, I could see why girls meandered in and out of his tent at the dropship. Even I was swooning at those words, making the heat spread throughout my body.

“Bellamy,” I moaned. He slid his hand over me, dipping a finger in and caused me to arch towards him. I craved his touch despite not knowing I had. “I want you. All of you.”

A throaty laugh sounded in my ear. “Whatever you want, Princess.”

Bellamy backed away far enough to take his boxers off, springing his length free. I could see why so many girls raved about his attributes. He put Finn to shame. I wrapped my hand around him, feeling the subtle pulse beneath my grasp. I reached to take hold of his neck and pull him back to me, guiding him to my entrance.

“Once we do this, there’s no going back,” He whispered. I could feel the tip of him there. If I moved forward ever so slightly, he would be inside me. The thought itself had me going crazy. I wanted that. And so much more.

“Who said I wanted to go back?” I asked, flipping him onto his back. I sank down onto him before he could respond. Bellamy gasped, his hands clawed at my waist as I ground my hips against his, already feeling the forgotten sensation resurface at the bottom of my stomach. It’d been so long I forgot what an orgasm felt like.

It’s been a long time since I felt this. Lust. Fullness. Happiness. I loved sex with Niylah and Lexa, but there was something about being with Bellamy that not even they could fulfill. Not even Finn. With Finn, I’d been naive to think he was the one for me. The one person I could count on and trust. With Lexa, I’d been coerced and held in Polis by force. I didn’t know how I felt during it, but my feelings remained true. Naiylah was fun, that’s all that it was.

But with Bellamy, I didn’t know what to think. He was Bellamy. The person I trusted more than life itself. What we were to one another was something I often struggled with defining. We were an unanswerable pair, our bond to one another reaching levels I could barely comprehend. I knew I could trust him with anything, and this was something I trusted him with. Out of all my partners, Bellamy was the only one I could see myself making a life with. An actual human life.

 _All of me for all of us_.

Bellamy flipped us over again, moving against me. I never thought it would be like this with him. I didn’t know it was possible to feel as good as I did. The only person I could compare him to was Finn, but even then, I couldn’t. With Finn, we were upset and it was comfort. But with Bellamy, the only thing that held us back was time. There was never enough time with him. It had been that way since I met him.

“Bellamy,” I gasped, feeling the end of my rope quickly coming. I clawed at his backside, trying to be as close to him as I possibly could be. “Please.”

Like a wave crashing on the shore, the burning feeling in the pit of my stomach dissolved, dissipating in a wave of relief and satisfaction. A throaty moan left Bellamy’s lips as he went rigid, only for a moment, before continuing his efforts. His eyes closed, savoring the slickness between my legs. His movements grew sloppy, and I knew he was nearly spent. With a few last jerks, he stilled, letting out a gritted groan, and buried his face in my neck.

I panted, holding Bellamy close to me. Our skin clung together, sex written in the beads of sweat that gripped the surface of our skin. Our chests heaved in quick satisfaction. A hearty laugh sounded from Bellamy’s lips as he lifted his head just enough to press his lips against mine in a tender kiss.

“Who knew the princess had it in her?” he said, a lazy grin planted over his face.

“Says you,” I rolled my eyes. “But you’re right, it was fun.”

He stared at me as if there were no other words to describe the inner workings of his mind. I never thought I’d be here. With Bellamy in a post-coital bliss. That was something I’d never allowed myself to consider. Not since our day trip when we first landed.

“All of us for all of them,” I whispered, bringing his forehead down to touch mine. “And I give you all of me.”

“You’re just twisting words,” he mumbled, closing his eyes.

“It’s true,” I said. “You’ve always been the one to know me. You’re the only person to know every inch of my soul.”

He sucked in a breath, opening his eyes to stare at me.

“Then I’ll hold that honor close to me,” he promised, taking one of my hands and kissing it gently.

 _All of me for all of us_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY! So, I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to get this chapter up for you! My life got crazy hectic! My mom had a heart attack about two weeks ago, and has since been in the hospital not once, but twice in those two weeks. We're trying to get her adjusted and back to a normal schedule while she can't work. I'm forced to take my youngest sibling to school every day since she can no longer drive. As I didn't have anywhere to be (except in the next thirty minutes), I thought I'd finish this update I've been working on!
> 
> I hope you liked this chapter! I'm obsessed with the Wonkru phrase introduced in the last episode. It's such an interesting concept that I had to incorporate it somehow. It was all too fitting. I am so excited for the next episode and chapter, guys! EEP! 
> 
> Follow me on tumblr @shemustbeprettyimportanttoyou and twitter @callmebellarke. I share snippets of this story and flail about my favs.


	4. Chapter 4

The cast of morning light seeped its way through the bedroom. Bellamy’s arm was heavy on my waist, laying limply across my torso. Neither holding me, or asking me to move closer. I drew in a deep breath, thinking over the events from when the night shifted to early hours of the morning.

It felt catastrophic. We crossed a place neither of us ventured with one another and there was going back. What was done was done. My thoughts surged with questions of whether we would linger on the moment or move past it without ever mentioning it again. I wanted to talk about it. There were a lot of things I wanted to talk about with him, but as always, I never knew if I would get the chance.

“Morning,” Bellamy said, pulling his arm back towards him. The absence of his arm didn’t go unnoticed.

I stayed laying on my side, my arms tucked beneath my head as I stared out the window. Bellamy shifted on the bed, sitting up and taking the sheet with him. I tugged at it, pulling it back over my body.

“Sorry,” he said, standing up.

The questions were at the tip of my tongue, begging to be released. I wanted to ask them, but some part of me knew I couldn’t ask. What would happen if I did?

“We shouldn’t mention this,” Bellamy said softly. “They—”

“They’re in the same predicament as us,” I said, turning to my back and glanced at him. “They expect this.”

Bellamy nodded, seeming to understand the words coming from my mouth. A swirling dark thought settled into the pit of my stomach as I looked at him in wonder. Did he regret what happened between us? Was he ashamed?

“I just don’t want them to know,” he said.

“You mean Echo,” I said, though it came out as more of a snap than an even reply. “You don’t want her to know.”

He looks at me with a look that I wasn’t sure how to read. His eyes heavy with the words that tumbled from my lips. He never did tell me the circumstances of their relationship ending, but if he still held on hope for them, then who was I to argue?

“Is that so bad?” he asked.

“No,” I shook my head. I would have done the same to Lexa or Finn if I began sleeping with someone else. “But you don’t get to feel bad about sleeping with someone else. Not when so many of us have to do the same. You’re making me feel guilty, and I don’t want that.”

“It’s not always about you, Clarke.”

“You think I don’t know that?” I asked, standing up with the sheet wrapped around my body. I faced him, my eyes hard and narrowed. “The moment you left for space, it’s been me and Madi. Now that the bunker is open and you’re back, I’ve had to get used to having people around all the time, Bellamy. I haven’t worried about myself since you left.”

Bellamy stayed silent, his eyes focused on me.

“Are you blaming me for this?” he asked. “Because I dealt with your death for years. I’m not doing that again. Not when you’re alive.”

“I would never blame you,” I quickly said. “But you don’t get to feel bad for having fun when Echo is doing the same thing.”

“She’s not in the program,” he said softly. “Octavia obviously wouldn’t let her in, but that wasn’t the only reason.”

There was something in Bellamy’s eyes that told me it was serious. Something almost devastating. My stomach clenched in anticipation as I watched Bellamy look at the ground with a cautious look.

“Is she okay?” I asked, almost afraid to ask him anything regarding his relationship with her.

“She can’t have kids, Clarke,” he mentioned. “That was the deal for her becoming a spy for Azgeda. That’s why she isn’t able to have children.”

My heart wept for her, though not all of me sympathized. She signed up for a childless life, so that was her own fault. The only part of me that felt bad was the fact she changed her mind too late. I would have done the same, though. I never thought my heart could belong to another human being, but I’d allowed myself to fall twice.

There wasn’t anything to say to Bellamy. Nothing I said would help him, so I just picked up my clothes, and pulled them over my head, and slid on some pants from my bag.

“Where are you going?” he asked, throwing his hands out.

“Breakfast,” I said, pinning back my hair. I left quickly, going down the hall to the door we entered the previous night. I wanted to stay and talk to Bellamy; mostly to figure out our friendship (relationship?) moving forward. To be honest, I didn’t know what the hell we were doing now. This whole thing was unknown, and it scared me more than Praimfaya did. I couldn’t lose him. Not after everything we went through to come back together.

“Clarke!” Raven’s oddly perky voice cut through the crowd. “We’re heading to breakfast, join us?” she asked, gesturing to Shaw beside her.

“How’re you here?” I asked, narrowing my eyes at him.

“Sometimes, it’s better to be a cockroach,” he said. “That’s what Murphy says.”

“He’s not wrong,” I said. “Well, I’m glad to see a friendly face.” I gave him a half-hearted smile.

Raven threw her arm around my shoulder, giving me a side hug. She began asking Shaw questions about something I didn’t understand. I envied their obvious smarts. I could have used that during the six years. My damn radio didn’t even work.

“You okay?” Raven asked. “Something wrong with your partner? He didn’t hurt you, did he?”

I shook my head.

“Bellamy’s fine,” I shrugged.

“You got Bellamy?” Raven asked, tugging her arm away from me. The shock was clear as day in her voice. Hell, even I’d been shocked, but a part of me wasn’t surprised. I secretly hoped for his company through this disaster, just as he’d always been there, but I never expected the strain.

“Yeah,” I nodded. “My mother paired us.”

“Lucky,” she said. “Though I suppose getting the only other smart person is lucky, too.”

“It is,” I agreed. “I don’t know how Bellamy and I are going to do this together.”

“Easy,” Raven said. “Sex.”

“That’s easy,” I rolled my eyes, ignoring Bellamy’s voice in the back of my mind. “It’s the awkwardness we’re currently dealing with. Before all this happened, we never—nothing happened. And now?”

Raven stopped, holding her hand up.

“You’re telling me you and Bellamy already consummated your partnership?” she asked. I nodded, feeling the blush creep up my neck. “So why so awkward?”

“He doesn’t want people to know, Raven,” I sighed. “Not like it’s a secret. The list is taped to a board.”

“Echo?” she asked, side-eying me as we approached the breakfast line.

“Echo,” I confirmed. “I think he still has feelings for her. Plus, he feels bad she can’t have kids.”

“Not like that’s his fault,” Raven sighed. “But leave it up to him to mope.”

***

I sat at the table in mine and Bellamy’s apartment after I grabbed breakfast and read over the packet with a close eye. I wanted to miss nothing. I needed to know everything about what we were getting ourselves involved with, and what I would be putting my body through. Logistically, our child had the best chance of not having effects from the remaining radiation. I was a nightblood and there was a good chance it would also have my blood.

“Clarke?” Bellamy asked, walking back into the apartment. “I’ve been looking for you. You stormed out of here earlier.”

“I’ve been here,” I sighed, setting the packet down. “We need to talk.”

Bellamy furrowed his brow, but sat across from me.

“I know we have our problems,” I started. “But we need to tell each other everything. You can’t lash out at me and expect me to understand. Before you say anything, I promise to do the same. In order for this to work, Bellamy, we need to be completely honest with each other. And that means we talk every single day. You can’t hide things.”

“I’m not,” he said.

“You say that, but I didn’t know you were still hung up on Echo,” I said. “You’re done with her, and until further notice, you’re stuck with me.”

“How can you say that?” he scoffed, standing up. “You can’t expect me to just leave her, Clarke. I—”

“I’m not. It’s your sister’s rule.” I flipped open the packet, pointing to the rule in question. “So there’s not a chance of someone siring the wrong child.”

He ran a hand over his face with a heavy groan.

“Did you hear what they called us when we got our assignments?” I asked. He shook his head, still staring at the rules. “They called us the Blakes, and I know we’re not married. Bellamy, they’re treating this whole thing like a marriage, so we’ve got to act like it is. Even if we hate it.”

“Chance of divorce?” he asked, a half-joking smile on his face. I didn’t give him the pleasure of humoring him. “This whole thing is ridiculous.”

“We’ve got to make this work if we want to survive,” I said. “You don’t see the hidden clause, Bellamy. We might think we’re free in two years, free from your sister’s absolute law if we don’t have a child, but that’s not going to happen. I see two options. We’re either the enemy of Wonkru, or we’re forced to have children with other partners.”

“Does it say that?”

“No, but it’s implied,” I explained. “I’m going to be super honest. If I’m going to have a baby with someone I barely know, it’s going to be you.”

“You know me,” he said, his eyes softening a bit. I sucked in a breath.

“No. I don’t,” I shook my head. “I know Bellamy Blake, the boy who dropped to Earth the same time I did and hated his guts, but grew to trust him with my whole being. I don’t know the Bellamy Blake who spent six years on the ring. So, I don’t know you. I still trust you, Bellamy, but this is the perfect opportunity for us to get to know each other again.”

“And the sex?” he asked.

“We’ll adjust,” I shrugged, not wanting to end the ever fleeting romantic portion of my life. “I didn’t think that’s how we would be getting to know each other, but if that’s what we’ve gotta do, then I’ll do it. I don’t trust anyone else to be with me that way.”

His cold demeanor from this morning seemed to be chipping away the more I spoke. I wanted him to know I trusted him. Completely. Everything about him wanted me to give him all of myself.

“So what do we call us then?” he asked. “We’re not together, but we’re not just friends anymore, are we?”

“No, there’s no way we could be,” I said. “In order for this to work, we have to treat it like a marriage. We’re a man and a woman who need to work as two cohesive units. This whole program binds us together for the rest of our lives. Once we’ve done what Octavia’s asked us to do, there’s no leaving me in the wind. We’re going to have at least one child, Bellamy. For all intents and purposes, we are husband and wife. You are my husband, and I am your wife.”

Bellamy sucked in a heavy breath at the weight of my words. Even I felt them. They were catastrophic for two people who, as of two days ago were nothing more than friends. But now…now everything had changed. We weren’t those adults anymore, we were each other’s legal significant others.

“Husband and wife,” he said slowly, as if letting those words sink in. “Publicly or between us?”

“Between us is for the best,” I said softly. “This is for us to be on the same page. I need you to trust me more than you already do. If you hear something that pisses you off, you come to me before anyone else.”

“What if it’s about you?” he asked, his eyes holding a lightness to them. “Because I’m always mad at you.”

“You still come to me,” I said. I moved out of my seat and knelt in front of Bellamy, resting my hand on top of his. “We’re partners, you and I. We’re going to figure this out together because in a relationship like ours, we have to fight for every ounce of what we have. I can’t do this without you, Bellamy.”

He reached with his other hand, and covered mine. In his silence, I knew I won the battle. But what was there to fight for? I didn’t want to argue with him about anything because I needed to come home and vent to someone, and it had to be him. He was the only person I had to rely on for the foreseeable future.

Bellamy kept our hands together, but pushed the chair out of the way to sit on his knees, too. His umber eyes searched my face, studying me, before he looked down at our linked hands. He brought our hands to his mouth, pressing a gentle kiss to my knuckles before meeting my eyes.

“All of me for all of us,” he said, repeating a phrase we’d heard too many times. “Last night, you said ‘I give you all of me.’ I’m not gonna lie, it scared me, but it’s because I didn’t know what it meant.”

I parted my lips, unsure of where he was going with this.

“And you do now?” I asked.

“Clarke Griffin,” He said with a shaky breath. “I give you all of me in hopes to better the future. This isn’t a typical marriage by any means, but I vow to protect you with my life. Just as I always have. I promise to protect you and the child you’ll bear one day, even if it means going against my sister.”

I blinked away the tears, feeling the hot liquid trickle down my cheeks. None of this I expected from him, but here we were.

“You’ve always been important to me, Clarke. So if this is what it takes to participate in this project, then I give you all of me. You are the owner of my body, my soul, and my heart. I vow to never give you a reason not to trust me.”

I sniffled, squeezing his hand harder than I intended to. This was all I ever wanted from someone I once considered to be my best friend.

“Bellamy Blake, you have been my best friend for almost a decade. I can’t tell you when that happened, but you have always been there for me, and I trust you with my life. I can’t even count how many times you’ve saved my ass from being poisoned or murdered,” with that, Bellamy let out a stifled laugh. “We might not be married for real, but I’m in this if you are. I’ll protect you to my best ability, but if I’m shitty at it, don’t blame me. I haven’t protected much of anyone since the world ended. I might not be able to protect you the way you protect me, but I promise I’ll be the keeper of the key to your heart. I’ve broken it a few times, and watched your sister beat your heart to almost dust. I’m not going to let that happen, Bellamy. You’re my hero, and I hope I can be the same to you.”

I paused, looking at our united hands.

“Clarke…”

“I promise that no matter what happens between us, we’ll talk about our problems like adults. We won’t pick fights with one another because I can’t do that again. If I’m fighting with you, who else am I left to turn to? I really need someone to depend on during this whole shit show, Bellamy. One day, in the next twelve to twenty-four months, I’m going to have a baby that is equal parts me as it is to you. I will die for you if it means I’m protecting my family. You are my family. So, I’m making the same vow you made to me. You are the owner of my body, my soul, and my heart because there’s no one I trust my being with more than you.”

Bellamy had tears of his own in his eyes as he looked at me. I didn’t know the soft and personal side of Bellamy as I’d known my protector version of him. But this rendition of him felt familiar and a stranger all at once. There were emotions I could read, but I’d have the next few years to learn them.

He dropped my hands and wrapped his arms around me, holding me in a tight hug. I let a shaky breath rattle my body as I held him tight to my form. Bellamy found his home in the crook of my neck, pressing his lips against my skin.

“Thank you,” I whispered. “For agreeing to this.”

He backed away and looked me in the eyes.

“I didn’t have much of a choice, did I?” he asked, lips quirking upwards. “You made a compelling argument. Who am I to go against you?”

I brought my hand to his cheek, running my thumb over the wiry and prickly hair that ran along his jawline. I hated yet adored the hair at the same time. I loathed how different it made it look, but loved how mature it made him. He suited every look he chose.

“We have to talk about our reality at some point,” I reminded him. “And the fact that we have to regularly have sex.”

“I know,” he quickly assured me. “And we will. But for today, just like yesterday, let’s take a little bit of time to get to know each other. I feel like I haven’t properly spoken to you since before we took off in the rocket. When you told me to use my head and my heart.”

“Just so you know,” I said, getting off the floor. “You’re not naming our child after anything historical.” Bellamy snorted a laugh and got off the floor with a groan.

“Team decisions, Clarke,” he assured me, putting an arm around my shoulders. “If I suggest anything at all, you may never know it because it is going to be subtle.”

“You? Subtle?” I asked. “Never.”

Bellamy gave me a shrug before he walked over to the counter to sift through the basket of things I brought back to the apartment. I wanted to make this feel like a home, but what could I furnish it with that wasn’t gifted by someone else?

“I want to make this place feel like ours,” I whispered. Bellamy turned to me. “This place, it might belong to us, but it’s not ours. It feels too much like someone else’s home.”

“So what do you suggest? You’re the artist,” he shrugged, turning to the bags.

“If it were up to me, I’d still be living in Shallow Valley in the church. I had drawings on the wall, beautiful fabrics hanging for curtains. It was my home,” I pressed my hand to my heart. “Madi and I made our home there.”

“I’ll build you a house one day,” he smiled. “Once this is all done and over, I’ll build you and the baby a house. I’ll be the neighbor who never leaves.”

I smiled at the thought.

“Or you could just live with us?” I asked, letting the sudden boldness take charge. “It’s easier to raise a kid when both parents live together.”

“Yeah, we could do that,” he grinned. “But I’ll make sure it feels like home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed this chapter! Sorry it's getting up so late! If you enjoyed it, please leave some kudos and comments! I reply to all comments/messages on all my social media! Follow me on tumblr @shemustbeprettyimportanttoyou and twitter @callmebellarke.


	5. Chapter 5

The late afternoon, I chose to go to the market. There was no rhyme or reason why I wanted to go, I just needed to experience the culture it offered. I remembered the Polis market from what felt like a different lifetime ago, and it offered so much of the world I had yet to know. The people who traded gave the sky people a new outlook on life, and it made this unreal society feel more like a home. For a time, it was my home.

The way the market flowed and the chatter that filled the space reminded me so much of Polis when we first came here. People congregated, the stalls were filled with food (both ready made and fresh), and, even more surprisingly, clothes and fabric flapped in the wind at their stalls. It was amazing to see and be a part of. The familiarity of it all warmed my heart because I felt like I stepped back in time. Back when things were better, simpler.

“I’ll admit,” I said, offering Bellamy a look. “Your sister created a community of people.”

He nodded silently, a distant look on his face. Something told me this was more about the fact that his sister had a gladiator cult in the bunker rather than the community of people she made. Beneath the smiles and laughter that surrounded us, the familiarity of death and blood clouded their thoughts. For that, I was grateful to spend the six years on the ground. I only wished I could take the guilt Bellamy felt away, and throw the sealed bottle of guilt into the ocean. He wore his feelings on his sleeve for all the world to see. Hard as he tried, he could never hide.

I lingered from Bellamy as he grabbed some food for later. I paused at a stall filled with hundreds of the most beautiful flowers. I let my finger trace the petal of a blue one, smiling at the memories of the beautiful flowers I kept in a vase at the church. There was something so mundane and normal about having some flowers to touch and prune. I had flowers all over Shallow Valley to tend. I missed it.

“You should get some,” Bellamy said. “You said our apartment doesn’t feel like home.”

I curved my lips up and looked over them, trying to decide which ones I would choose. Just as I saw through his armor, he saw through mine. It was no surprise, of course, he always saw what I didn’t want him to see. He always knew my thoughts before I could ever voice them.

I picked a few white wisteria, some vernonia, and a few other plants I thought looked pretty. I brought the flowers up to my nose to take in the scent. I also grabbed a few lavender flowers to make an air freshener of sort. I needed to make that stale place a home for the two of us. It felt like another prison, and I wasn’t about to sentence us to two years of plainness.

“What did you grab?” I asked, gesturing to the cloth bag hanging over his shoulder.

“Fruits and vegetables,” he mentioned.

“Anything citrus?” I asked, hoping there was something I could boil with the lavender. Citrus fruits were rare around these parts. Even rarer with the scorched earth.

“Lemons,” he said, nodding. “Should I be asking you why?”

“No,” I laughed. “You don’t need to worry. I don’t need the fruit themselves, just the peel. We’ll use the fruit for some fish.”

Bellamy nodded wordlessly as he followed me closely. He was quieter than normal, and perhaps that was my fault. I had a feeling it was related to our earlier conversation. I didn’t blame him, I did lay it all on him. We weren’t married, but I needed the pair of us to think like a married couple. Our decisions had to be unanimous because I knew we wouldn’t survive otherwise. He was my partner for life, and I didn’t think I could lose him. He was too important to me to lose.

The woman standing by the vending station offered me a clay vase to put the flowers in (which I was eternally grateful for). I also asked if she knew where I could find seeds for some fruits to grow my own things. Since it didn’t look like I was leaving this small city, I might as well spend my time doing something worthwhile. She directed Bellamy and I down the street to a station beside a clothing stall.

“I’m gonna wander. Will you be okay?” he asked. I turned to him, nodding. “I just… I see Monty, Harper, and Echo. I thought I’d go talk to them for a bit. See how they’re doing.”

“Don’t let me stop you,” I shrugged. “I’m not your boss.”

Bellamy paused, almost unsure of his words. He shifted on his feet.

“After that talk we had this morning, I thought…”

“That’s for us, Bellamy,” I said quietly, making sure no one else was listening. “We need to be on the same page. If you give me a reason not to trust you, I won’t. But I have no reason to not trust you. You know the rules that were set by Octavia. Just follow them, and we’ll be okay. I can’t lose you again.”

Bellamy nodded, shifting the bag on his shoulder. The hesitation was clear, and so was his heart. I trusted him to do what he thought was right. It was clear he was able to use his head and heart. I just wished he had more faith in himself and me. I wasn’t the one who gave him permission to do what he wanted. That was him.

“Go! I’ll be fine,” I laughed. “If I need you, I’ll come get you.”

He nodded and turned to leave, but pivoted back to face me. I was about ready to shove him towards his friends.

“I-I know you don’t trust Echo,” he said, his voice small.

My heart clenched, unsure of where he was going with this.

“I don’t know her,” I added pointedly.

I only knew the Azgedan spy who went to space because we owed her. Not the girl that Bellamy forgave and let his heart fall for. Even then, I wasn’t sure how he could fall in love with someone who tried to murder his sister. But that’s just me.

“I know it doesn’t seem like it,” he sighed, brushing his fingers through his hair. “But I’m trying to get over it. Echo and I. She didn’t think we could be together anymore. For a variety of reasons.”

“Because of your sister’s absolute law?”

“No, it was before that,” he mentioned. “I knew going into the relationship that she couldn’t have kids. I just don’t want to leave them after everything. They’re my family.”

That was something I could get behind. The small group of people we find solace in often becomes our found family. The last remaining individuals from the 100 were who I called family. And Madi.

“I understand,” I nodded. “Why is Echo here?”

From what I understood, this was a settlement for those involved in the program. There was no reason for Echo to be here at all. Especially if she couldn’t have children.

“That’s what I want to find out,” he said. “You good?”

“Yeah, stop hesitating. You’re making me anxious,” I said, waving him off. Bellamy let out a laugh and walked down the street where his friends sat at a picnic table.

I went to the stall the flower lady mentioned. My heart swelled as I looked at all the seeds organized on the surface of her stall. I never thought I’d enjoy the act of gardening, but over the past several years, that’s what I did to survive. The woman helped me separate seeds, giving me a hand drawn guide of what she gave me. I grabbed the seeds of foods I could grow indoors like carrots, lettuce, tomatoes, strawberries, garlic, lemons, oranges, scallions, and a variety of herbs. I also grabbed some flower seeds (which she put in a separate bag) to make centerpieces for the living room and kitchen.

The little seeds I had in my clutch was enough to make me excited to begin our little indoor garden. It would give me something to do and it would make it feel a little like home. I looked forward to being able to cook with the food that would grow.

I wandered down the street where Bellamy was with the others. He was sitting next to Raven and had a stoic, serious look on his face. The usual Bellamy look, then. I hated intruding, but I was done wandering and avoiding this group. I knew these people well. I survived the first eight months on earth with them.

“Hey guys,” I said, sliding in beside Harper. “How’s everyone?”

The group stayed mostly silent, giving each other silent looks that spoke a thousand words. Bellamy’s gaze cast downward to avoid my knowing stare. The unsettling feeling of not belonging nestled deep into my soul, taking it by force and twisting. I didn’t belong with these people anymore. As much as I wanted to, these weren’t my people. The only one I could relatively call my people was Bellamy, but that was because of our unfortunate circumstances.

Echo looked at me, eyes studying the way I fitted into the group. She knew I didn’t belong because she belonged with my friends more than me.

“You look like you’re settling in,” Echo said, giving me an acknowledging nod.

“I didn’t have a choice,” I said. “Bellamy and I are making the best of the situation. As everyone should.”

Echo nodded, drawing small, invisible shapes on the table. I could see the uncomfortable look that took over the usually blank Azgedan spy’s face. I was paired with the boy she spent six years getting to know and falling in love with. Then I came back from the dead, and her life’s plans were uprooted.

“You’re leaving then?” I asked, noticing the stuffed bag sitting off to the side. “Is that why you’re here?”

“Always the observer. Aren’t you, Wanheda?” she asked, giving a side-eyed look to Bellamy.

“I haven’t been her in a long time,” I said softly, remembering the radio calls I sent over the years. “It was kill or be killed, Echo. Simple as that.”

“Then we are all Wanhedas, then?” she asked. “Fitting in this new regime. It seems Blodreina has taken to the title well.”

Bellamy drew in a heavy and quick breath. His sister commanded death more than I ever did. She had well over four hundred deaths on her hands. Though my number probably matched hers just as well.

“Where will you go?” Bellamy asked, turning to her. “You can’t stay in the bunker or she’ll kill you.”

Echo nodded gravely, peering over her shoulder. I remembered those days where I was hunted. The days where I constantly swiped raspberries over my hair to camouflage the golden hair. Or where I hid in the cover of trees and stalked the earth in the shield of darkness.

“Move in the night and change anything you can about your look,” I said. “Raspberries and blackberries are the best for a temporary dye. Cut your hair short and use the colors. Blackberries will work better for you since your hair is already dark.”

“Clarke, you can’t—”

“It’s fine, Bellamy,” Echo said, squeezing his arm. “It’s a smart move. She knows the routine well, having run from my king.”

“He wasn’t the only one I ran from, Echo,” I reminded. “But he’s the lucky one who caught me.”

Bellamy locked eyes with me. He didn’t want her to go, but she had no choice. I left him by choice once because I couldn’t live with what we had done at Mount Weather. This was to ensure Echo’s survival.

“Do you have weapons?” I asked.

“You think me a fool?”

“No, I just wanted to make sure you were prepared for anything,” I said. “You saved my friends. It’s the least I could do. Try to get to the Eligius people again. Diyoza will understand the situation. If you’re honest, she won’t hesitate to keep you. Tell her that you were exiled and left for the elements.”

“Diyoza knows Echo already,” Bellamy said. “She’ll kill her.”

“Echo’s a spy,” I said, pointing to her. “Diyoza could use her to talk to her own people. It’d be a skill not to waste. It’s either Echo survives in your sister’s society or escape to Diyoza’s people. As far as I can tell, she only has one choice.”

“Clarke’s right,” Monty interjected. “Echo has to go to them. She has nothing Octavia wants. As far as Octavia is concerned, she’s a threat to get rid of. If Echo stays, she’ll be killed. If she leaves, there’s a chance she’ll survive. Maybe she can look for new spots of green?”

“It won’t be arable for years. You heard Cooper,” I said.

“Working the land will help,” Monty said. “We have to do what we can to expand the population. With the majority of us being assigned to reproduce, we’re going to need more space. We’re going to need room for schools, places to congregate, places for the children to be safe.”

“That’s a problem we can fix later,” Bellamy said. “As of right now, no one is at that point. But it would be useful if Echo finds more land, or negotiates with Diyoza on our behalf.”

“Share the land with Wonkru?” I asked, scoffing. “She won’t accept anything from Echo.”

“No,” Bellamy shook his head. “For You, me, Echo, Monty, Harper, Murphy, Emori, Raven, and Madi. House in the woods.”

I smiled at our earlier conversation where he promised to build a house.

“I’ll do that,” Echo promised. “What shall I negotiate for? We need to offer them something?”

“An engineer, a farmer, and another doctor. Plus a map of Shallow Valley,” I suggested. “Take your time offering this to her. We’re in no rush to get out of here, so if you feel the need to take your time approaching a negotiation. Then take the time.”

“It’s easier to move without kids in tow,” Bellamy said.

“We have the rover, and we still have to get Madi,” I said. “We need time to get her out of training, and we’ll figure it out. We always do.”

Echo stood up and slung a bag over her shoulder. The whole group surrounding me drew in heavy breaths as they realized what time it was. I felt for Echo, leaving to go save her friends with no way to send a message. I did that once, and I was lucky to survive. Bellamy did that in Mount Weather (though for a time he did have connection to us). It was terrifying, but I was sure Echo grew used to it from the years of training she did. She was a spy after all, and this was her specialty. I trusted her to know how to get us a place to live in the future.

“May we meet again,” Bellamy said, taking her into a tight hug. It wasn’t a lover’s hug, but it was a familial hug. One that broke no bounds, yet emoted all the correct feelings.

“May we meet again,” she whispered, turning to give the rest of her friends hugs. She turned to me, her amber eyes soft and weary. “Take care of him. He might seem strong, but he has a heart as full as the ocean.”

“I know,” I glanced at Bellamy. “Don’t worry.” She reached out and gave my hand a tight squeeze before disappearing into the crowd.

Bellamy shoved his hands into his pockets as he watched Echo disappear. I rested my hand on his arm.

“You okay?” I asked.

“I will be,” he answered, giving me a solemn look. “She’s doing the right thing.”

“She’ll find a way.”

***

Bellamy and I kept our hands and minds busy that evening by making boxes to put the plants I acquired in. We dug up dirt, and hauled it inside bucket by bucket. At one point in time, I’m fairly certain I heard him grumbling about how lucky we were to live on the ground floor. I planted all the seeds, organized the flowers I picked up, and began prepping the lavender.

“How did you learn all this?” Bellamy asked, sitting at the table, picking up one of the lemons I handed him to peel.

“Madi,” I shrugged. “And I didn’t really have much else to do with only one other person on earth. I ended up liking it just as much as I liked drawing.”

He nodded, handing me the peels I asked for. I dumped them in the pot, and placed it over the hearth. I added more logs, stoking the fire.

“I still don’t have any idea how you did it,” he shook his head with a light, disbelieving, laugh. “Surviving the world alone has to be some sort of heroic endeavor.”

“I’m no hero, Bellamy,” I said, turning to him. “I…I found ways to survive even when there was no one to talk to.”

 _Lies_. All lies.

He gave me a look, and I just knew that he saw through my blanket of lies. Just like I evaded it when he first asked over shared rations in front of a campfire. I escaped it then, but I didn’t see any way I could escape those secrets much longer. I tucked that part of me away, hiding it from him.

“Are you sure?” he asked, eyebrow lifted. “You sound like there’s more.”

“It’s nothing,” I shook my head with a smile. “I kept busy. Drawing, exploring, looking for supplies…you name it, I probably did it.”

“Set traps?” he asked, lips curved.

“Got caught in one,” I answered, pulling up the leg of my pants. Bellamy turned to look and let out a gasp. “You didn’t see this last night?”

“No,” he said, brushing his hand over the scars. “I didn’t realize…”

“It’s not important,” I said, dropping my pants to their rightful place. “Luckily, I knew how to stitch my wounds. It’s not so easy doing it on yourself I’ll have you know.”

“I’m aware,” he nodded, pulling up a sleeve to reveal a jagged line. “Had to do this myself because Raven was doing it wrong. I’d watched you sew people up so many times, I picked it up along the way. I’ve fixed the others more times than I can count.”

“And you didn’t think to teach them?” I asked.

“Not like I had items or people to practice on,” he said with a shrug. “Since there wasn’t much to do, we sparred in our free time. At first, most of us looked like we’d been to war because Echo kicked our asses…or Raven used her brace for leverage. She almost broke everyone’s hands at one point in time. I’m fairly sure she broke Murphy’s at one point…I think that was the one and only time he joined us.”

I laughed, thinking about Murphy sparring. It was something easily laughable considering how disinterested he was in just about everything.

“He probably deserved it,” I said, stirring the pot of flowers and peel.

“I’m almost certain it was payback for her leg,” he shrugged. “They never talked about it, but those of us who knew he did it figured that’s what it was. In any case, we wrapped his hand up and told him not to use it for a few weeks.”

“I bet that turned out real well,” I snorted. Bellamy let out a belly laugh, nodding.

“Smells good,” he nodded at the pot that I removed from the fire. “I’m sorry I doubted your skills.”

I rolled my eyes as I moved the liquid into a clear bottle with the silver ladle, letting the steam drift from the opening. The scent already made this place feel more like a home than it did a day ago. Flowers always opened up the space and eased the anxiety I felt.

“It’s a piece of home,” I said with a smile, holding it up to the setting sunlight. “Once it’s cooled down enough to touch it, I’ll splatter it on the fabrics and soak it into some ripped cloth to place around the apartment. Tomorrow I want to get some fabrics and make curtains. I think I saw some cotton yarn, too.”

“Yeah, I didn’t appreciate having the sun blinding me this morning,” he sighed.

“One more morning,” I reminded him with a smile. “Thanks for helping me today.”

“You’re welcome,” he nodded, watching as I placed the cast iron pan on the fire, along with the fish and an assortment of other herbs and veggies I grabbed today. “Fish?”

“Not much else out there,” I said sadly. “I’ve learned to make some semi-edible dishes from the vegetables. As long as you have seasoning, everything tastes better.”

“Good thing I have you, then,” he grinned. “We just placed the meat on the pyre and let it cook. Remember how sick everyone got after we ate our first meal with meat?”

I let out a loud laugh, thinking about the smell that wafted from our camp.

“That would be because we lived on a diet of no meat our entire lives,” I pointed out. “We didn’t have meat in our diets, and then we ate it and well, our bodies reacted appropriately. How were you coming back?”

“Not as bad as the first time,” he mentioned. “Still got an upset stomach, but who didn’t when they came back to the ground?”

I nodded, agreeing with him. I sat beside the hearth, facing him. I wanted to ask so many questions, and there were so many things I wanted to discuss. I didn’t even know where to begin. We had so much to talk about in regards to the project, and there was also our long-term plan.

“I can see you thinking, Clarke,” he said, his smile growing. “Talk to me, oh fake wife of mine.”

“Funny,” I deadpanned. “What’s our plan? Do we let nature run it’s course? How often do we have sex?”

Bellamy stared at me blankly. I barely believed the words spewing from my own mouth, I can’t imagine the thoughts circling his head.

“That’s how you’re leading this conversation?” he asked, eyes wide. “With how often we should sleep together?”

“It’s a logical question, Bellamy,” I sighed. “It’s usually not a one and done deal.”

“I got that from the extensive medical sheet in the packet. Especially when your mother has mapped out the best days of conceiving for you,” He said, eyes flickering to the folder. “It’s just… this all feels overwhelming, and I don’t know if I want to think about it.”

“Trust me. I know,” I nodded. “But we need to get our ducks in a row.”

“How do you think we should go about this?” he asked, drumming his fingers on the table. “You’re the doctor.”

“I don’t really like planning the exact date and time I have sex,” I mentioned off-handedly. “I’d rather keep it a little spontaneous, but frequent enough. Only if you’re okay with it.”

“We have to have a kid, Clarke,” he said. “It was implied the moment my sister said we had to start population growth.”

“How about after we get settled here, we can seriously start? That way we’re not making this a home and trying to get pregnant at the same time.” I turned away from Bellamy, avoiding his reaction as I flipped the fish over. He let out a dry cough, and I could feel his eyes burrowing into my back.

“Sounds like a solid plan,” He nodded. “Anything else?”

“Not that I’m aware of,” I said. “I’ve never tried to have a baby with my friends before.”

Bellamy kept quiet and folded his hands on the table. I took the fish off the pan and placed it on two plates, handing him one of them. We ate in silence, both of us munching on the food. What even was left to say? We weren’t romantic with one another, but we’ve had sex now. I wondered from time to time throughout the day if he regretted it. He kept quiet and to himself, not wanting to talk about what we did.

“You’re quiet,” I said softly. “Something wrong?”

“No,” he shook his head. “Just been thinking.”

I watched him as he picked at the fish, occasionally popping some in his mouth.

“You don’t regret it do you?” I asked timidly. I had to know. No, it was necessary that I know what we did was okay for him.

“Of course not, Clarke,” he whispered. “I…I had fun. It’s just going to be a lot to get used to. You understand that, right?”

“Yeah,” I agreed. “I had fun, too. I just worried you regretted doing it with me because of Echo.”

Bellamy set down his fork and looked at me. Really looked at me, unlike he’d done in a long time. Since we were reunited. He stood up and took two steps towards me. I looked up at him, curious, unsure of what he was up to.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

He kept silent, only placing his hands to the back of my head and guiding me towards him. My breath hitched as he looked over me. Pure lust in his eyes. I didn’t know what to say or do, but he captured my lips in a kiss, deepening it almost immediately.

“I would never use you, Clarke,” he whispered, pressing his forehead against mine. “I know we’re not romantically involved, but until this is all over, you’re the only one in my bed.”

I nodded, unsure I could trust my words. I wanted his hands to roam my body in ways he hadn’t done the previous night. His words, even though he vowed to only be my lover, meant the world to me and brought back feelings I didn’t know I still had. Feelings I’d pushed down since I first saw him with Echo.

“Bellamy,” I said, my voice barely audible. “Take off your damn clothes. I want to look at you.”

A wicked grin spread spread across his lips as he pulled his jacket off. I stepped forward, wanting to help him, but I didn’t. I locked eyes with him as he reached behind his neck and pulled his blue shirt over his head, tossing it to the side.

Bellamy closed the gap, pushing my own jacket off my shoulders, and let it fall to the floor with a gentle thud and a ting of the metal against the wood. I traced my hand across his chest, splaying my fingers out. His skin was soft and hot beneath my touch.

“Fair is fair,” he whispered, tugging at the top that hung against my own skin. I hiked down my trousers, kicking them off to the side. Bellamy bunched the sides in his hands and pulled it over my head, tossing it to the side.

I felt self-conscious in front of him. My bra was dirty, and I forewent it for the day. I was bare for him to see, and only him. Bellamy pulled me close, his hand capturing my breast in the palm of his hand, running his thumb over the swelling peak. I loosed a breath, shuddering against his touch.

“Fair is fair,” I teased, reaching for the belt at his waist. He watched me with a fascinated curiosity as I pulled open his belt buckle. I looked up at him as I pulled his belt from his pants, and let it clatter against the floor. I undid his pants, and he stepped out of them, his eyes still locked on mine.

This felt different from last night. Yesterday we only wanted to cross the barrier, and now that we were past it, we let ourselves savor this moment. His eyes wandered over me, memorizing the image, and letting it become not only a memory, but a reality. I drank him in as well, my eyes scanning over ever crease and defined piece of his body.

Bellamy was undeniably attractive. He spoke highly of Ulysses, Heracles (not Hercules as he so often reminded me), and his other favorite Greek gods that I thought they were myths until I looked at the hero of his own damn epic standing before me. I could draw or paint Bellamy a thousand times and would never get it perfect. He was the sun amongst the night sky.

His fingers daintily trailed the skin of my hips, tracing the curve of my waist, trailing up. I shivered as he did the same thing as he cupped my breast. A shudder of a breath escaped as I felt the growing heat between my thighs grow. I wanted him more than I’d ever wanted anyone else. More than Finn. More than Lexa. More than Niylah.

“What is it you want?” he asked, cupping my jaw with his hand, and tilting my head up to meet his lustful gaze.

I didn’t answer Bellamy. I instead reached between us, wrapping my hand around his manhood, giving a gentle squeeze. It was Bellamy’s turn to suck in a breath at my physical affection.

“I think you can figure out what I want,” I whispered, pressing my lips against the base of his neck.

Bellamy hardened in my grasp, becoming fuller. My heart thrummed in a fervor, matching the beat of the pulsing between my legs. Bellamy pulled me into his arms, fitting me against his skin, and pressed my mouth against his. I cupped his jaw, deepening the kiss. I wanted as much of him as he had to offer.

He pushed me back, causing me to stumble over my feet until we fell against the floor. Bellamy’s shaky laugh vibrated against my skin as he got to his knees, bowing to savor my skin. His tongue and lips roamed over every inch of my body. There was no place he didn’t kiss. Well, except for one.

“I want you,” I gaped between pants.

“Relax, princess,” he said, winking at me. If my skin weren’t already on fire, it would surely ignite with flames by that one look alone.

He pried my knees apart, letting me splay open for him. He leaned forward, pressing a tender kiss against my knee. His hands slid over the skin of my legs before nestling between my folds. I gasped at his touch, bucking my hips towards him. Wanting more.

“So eager, princess.”

“Stop calling me that,” I rolled my eyes. Finn called me that in bed more times than I can count. And we’d been together only once. “Less talking, Bellamy.”

“All right,” he chuckled, pumping his fingers a few times. I gaped, my back arching off the ground and toward his touch. All of him. I wanted every inch of him, and I wanted him to lay claim on me for he was the bearer of my soul.

“Less of that,” I say, tugging at his hand from me. “I. Want. You.”

Bellamy gave me that same wicked grin he did earlier before he hovered directly above me. He pressed his lips against mine in a sweet kiss laced with desire. I grabbed him, positioning him until I could feel him resting against my entrance. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders as he pushed forward, entering me. I gaped, feeling the fullness of him.

Our bodies moved in sync just as our minds did. We were one united pairing. Nothing could break us apart, and I’d never wanted this more than now. If I died, I was happy to have this moment. For this moment was all I craved for several years. More than that, I craved to have Bellamy’s affection, even if it was a friendly one. I just wanted him any way I could get him.

We worked well together, and were compatible. I wanted nothing more than to feel him against my skin for the rest of my life. But even I knew that wasn’t enough to make that dream come true. He was but a fleeting dream, only here until given the okay to leave.

“Bellamy,” I gasped, wrapping my legs around his waist.

He gave a grunt in response, pulling one of my legs higher. The familiar tightness in my stomach swelled and burned, reminding me that I was close. I tangled my fingers in his curls since there was no other place for me to grab. His hand met where our bodies were joined as one, rubbing over my center.

The feeling became too much, sending my body into overdrive. My zenith came faster than I anticipated, especially when Bellamy’s hands roamed my skin aimlessly. I never wanted him to stop touching me, but I knew he would. His thrusts grew sloppy as he neared his own climax. He was rough, giving his all as he gave his final thrusts, spilling into me with a low, throaty groan.

His hair dangled against my chest as he bowed his head, catching his breath. I could feel him still pulsing inside me, not daring to move. My fingers stayed where they were, clutching his shoulders, my nails digging into his skin. He dropped his head into the crook of my neck, placing a kiss against my neck.

“I know I said we should settle in first, but can we revisit the idea?” I breathed with a laugh. I could feel his lips tug into a cunning smile against my shoulder. “Because I don’t know if I can wait for a rainy day.”

“I’d like to revisit the idea, too,” he whispered, lifting his head to look at me. “I don’t think I could stay away even if I tried.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all! I've been obsessed with writing this story lately. God, I love it so much! If you're like, "Amanda, that one scene where Clarke says for Bellamy to take his clothes off and then takes off his belt in an extra manner sounds super familiar" then you are right, my friends. Outlander was inspiring me today. The chapter title is a portion of a Jamie Fraser quote as well! I hope you enjoyed this chapter! I'm hoping to update again in the next few days! Come scream about this story to me on twitter @callmebellarke and on tumblr @shemustbeprettyimportanttoyou
> 
> I reply to all, if not most, comments on here! Feel free to drop one!


	6. Chapter 6

Bellamy and I began to form a routine over the following weeks. We’d wake up together, make breakfast, go our separate ways for a portion of our day, and come together in the evenings. We never talked about the fact we were regularly sleeping together. It was a conversation we always meant to have, but the time never seemed to come around.

This particular morning, the sun began to filter through the thin curtains. I’d been awake for some time, the future was forever present on my mind. Bellamy sucked in a breath, eyes fluttering open. I was curled against his chest, my cheek resting against his shoulder. This routine between us was something new, something we never chose to discuss. Even the subtle differences in the way we slept. The way we touched. Everything was different and part of me wishes things would go back to how they were. They were simpler.

  
“Morning,” he said, giving my arm a gentle squeeze. “Sleep well?”

  
“Well enough,” I sighed. “I miss Madi.”

  
His hand ran up and down my warm skin, comforting me. It was as if he knew how I felt about her without ever saying the words. It’s how he probably felt those months, years maybe, he was separated from his sister. I wanted to see my daughter again, and in our current state, I might never get that chance. Octavia still ruled with fear, and I didn’t know how I would ever get my daughter back when she threatened us with death for defiance. Madi belonged with me—us. She belonged with people who cared about her for more than her blood. She belonged with those who would call her family rather than a warrior.

  
“We’ll get her back,” Bellamy assured me. “We’ll figure it out…like we always do.”

  
I gave him a faltering smile. I hoped he was right. I didn’t know what she was doing, and with Octavia in charge of her, my worries never ceased. She was going to be in danger until she was back home. I wouldn’t rest until she was wholly mine again.

  
“I just can’t risk the thought of losing her,” I murmured, burying my head into his shoulder.

  
“I won’t let that happen,” he promised, pressing his lips to my hair. “We’ll get Madi back. You let me worry about that.”

  
Before I had the chance to respond, a loud banging noise echoed from the hallway. Bellamy and I shared a concerned glance before he rolled out of bed, grabbing his pistol off the bedside table. He cocked the gun, motioning for me to stay hidden. There was some sort of commotion happening. Crying people sounded all down the hall.

  
I sucked in a breath, following him out of bed. He shot me a look, as if telling me I was making a mistake.

  
“I’m not hiding,” I whispered.

  
“I’m not about to let you get hurt,” he growled.

  
“I won’t get hurt,” I rolled my eyes.

  
“You don’t know that,” He sighed. “And we also don’t know if you’re pregnant.”

  
I pursed my lips. He was right.

  
“I can take care of myself, Bellamy,” I said.

  
“My wife, my responsibility,” he said, echoing a familiar phrase. When he saw the torn look on my face, he reached out and squeezed my arm. “Do you think you can listen to me for once, Princess?”

  
“Fine,” I said rather short. “Don’t expect me to like it.”

  
“I don’t expect anything less,” he smirked, heading to the front room. I stayed behind, shuffling through my own drawer for a pistol. What he didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him.

I got in the small little closet, hiding there, just as I promised I would. The thought of me being pregnant crept on me. That one word was never spoken aloud between the two of us. Not as if it was something of the present. I pressed my hand against the white nightgown, over my stomach. I wondered if something blossomed there yet. Something so small, so innocent, yet so beautiful and unabashedly mine and Bellamy’s.

  
“Where is she, Blake?” the voice asked. Miller. “Where is Clarke?”

  
“Give me one reason I shouldn’t shoot you right now,” Bellamy ordered. “You barge into our home and want Clarke, why?”

  
“Exam day,” Miller said. “Where is Clarke?”

  
“The packet said exam day is not for another two weeks. I’m not letting you take Clarke.” Bellamy said.

  
I closed my eyes, leaning my head against the inside of the closet. He was my savior through and through, and I didn’t think he realized how much I truly needed him. I would always need him in my life. Now and forever.

 

“Don’t make me shoot you, Blake,” Miller said rather gruffly. “Where is Wanheda?”

  
“If my sister wants Clarke, tell her to come get her herself,” Bellamy seethed. “Clarke isn’t going anywhere with you when it’s not time to get examined. So get the hell out of my house before I put a bullet in your leg.”

  
There was a moment of pause before I heard the door slam and Bellamy chain it back up. The soft patter of his feet echo against our floor as he searches for me. I see his shadow hover in front of the door as he swings the door open to find me there, tears brimming my eyes. His worried look turned to a relieved one as he got to his knees and crawled into the closet, pulling me into his arms.

 

“You’re okay,” he whispered. “Nothing bad is going to happen.”

  
“They’ll come back,” I said softly. “Your sister is persistent.”

  
“Hey,” he said, giving me a hard look. “We got this.”

  
“We might, but we’re never going to be safe here,” I whisper, brushing some of his hair out of his face. “Not with your sister running the show.”

  
He nodded, seeming to understand just how true those words seem to run. He pulled me into his side and kissed my forehead.

  
“We might be an enemy of Wonkru now,” he said.

  
“We shouldn’t be,” I answered. “You were in the right.”

  
He nodded, running his free hand over his face. He wouldn’t say it, but I could see the worry etched in the lines on his face. His sister scared him more than anything he’d every face and I thought it was because she wasn’t who he raised, but in truth, it was because he didn’t know what she was capable of.

  
“We should get out of here,” he whispered, getting to his knees. I rose to my feet, my hands never leaving his. “I’m gonna protect you, you know that, right?”

  
“I know,” I nodded with a smile. “I just wish you didn’t have to.”

 

***

 

That evening, I’m tending to the small garden we have in our windowsills. I could feel Bellamy’s stare boring into my back. He’s been silent since this morning as he’d been lost in thought most of the day. I didn’t mind because I was lost in my head as well. I needed some time in my head to think over everything that happened this morning because the only place I felt safe was with Bellamy. I shouldn’t need a protector, but here I was.

  
“I can feel you in my bones staring at me, Bellamy. What is it?” I asked, setting down the watering can.

  
“I don’t like this any more than you do,” he said, “But I want to know before they do.”

  
I turned on my foot to face him.

  
“I don’t…I don’t know how to run a pregnancy test, Bellamy. I’m not a doctor. I—”

  
He reached into his bag and pulled out a glass jar. I looked at him in confusion.

  
“I was talking to some of the grounders,” he said, tracing the rim of the jar’s lid. “Obviously this isn’t accurate, but if you pee in the jar and let it sit for a day and a white film appears, then that’s it. We’ve got our answer. If it’s normal, we keep doing what we’re doing.”

  
The fact he found a way to test for pregnancy baffled me. I never thought someone would do something like this for me, but here he was. I opened my mouth to say something. Anything. But no words came out because I had no idea what I would say.

  
“I know you probably don’t know what that would mean, so I am offering to also piss in a jar,” he said with a shrug.

  
“Bellamy, I—”

  
“You don’t have to say anything,” he smiled at me assuredly.

  
“It would be too early to tell,” I whispered. “That’s why my mom set up that schedule.”

  
He nodded, looking at the jar on the table.

  
“Well, you have options,” he smiled at me. “Besides, wouldn’t you like to not be surprised? I know I’d like to mentally prepare for that.”

  
“I appreciate it… and you. I appreciate you,” I said, walking up to him with a smile on my face. “You’ve done more for me than I can ever thank you for. I just think it might be too soon, but don’t think for a second that you didn’t do what you thought was right. It’s a good idea.”

  
“I wish you didn’t have to go through this,” he murmured. “And it would be my fault.”

  
“Hey,” I said, reaching out and directing his gaze to me. “This is not your fault, Bellamy Blake. Your sister made this happen, not you. We take a shitty decision and make it ours. Like always. We are doing our best.”

  
“We turn the page and don’t look back. We do better today than we did yesterday,” he said, his eyes seemed to be reminiscent of something from the past. “That’s what we do.”  
I nodded, a gentle smile on my face.

  
“I can’t do this without you,” I whispered. “I mean, I could, but I don’t want to. I need you, Bellamy.”

  
“I’m right here,” he assured me, putting his hand on my back. “And I’m not going anywhere anytime soon.”

  
I was hesitant about my next decision, but before I could change my mind, I covered my mouth over his, sealing our fates with a gentle kiss. Bellamy’s hands gripped at my waist, pulling me toward him. I never left our quaint little place, so I had no reason to change and still wore the thin slip I had on this morning. His hands pulled it up enough for his hands to slip beneath it.

  
His hands slid across my skin in an expert manner. I backed away from him, a teasing smile on my lips as I untied the front string by my chest. He sat in his chair, watching me with wild, lustful eyes. I bit my lip as I let the garment fall into a pool at my feet.

  
“If you want to join me, preferably very naked, I’ll be in the bedroom,” I smirked, disappearing into our bedroom.

  
I knew he would follow even before he had. I heard the clatter of his belt against the floor and knew I’d hear the patter of his sockless feet against the ground in a matter of moments. Bellamy entered the room, stark naked as I implied, and I couldn’t help but let the wide smile form on my lips.

  
I wanted him more than I’d ever wanted him. More than I’d wanted anyone else. My whole body was on fire by his wandering touch. His lips leaving a trail of coolness as he worked his way down my torso. At the base of my abdomen, with his lips settled there, his gaze flickered to mine before his teeth grazed there. I waited for his lips to find me elsewhere, but they never did.

  
“Bellamy,” I whined, feeling his hand stroking the inside of my thigh. “Please,” I breathed.

  
“Patience, Princess,” he smirked. “You know these things take time. Especially when you want them to be foolproof.”

  
I didn’t want to be patient. I wanted to feel him inside of me. I wanted to be vulnerable with him like I’d often experienced now. He was mine just as I was his. His hand reached the heat between my legs and I had to bite back the feeling of pleasure when his skin came in contact with where I wanted him most. Where it pulsed.

  
“Bellamy,” I breathed.

  
“Geez Princess, you’d think we’d never had sex before,” he smirks, standing to his feet and pressing his lips to mine, guiding us to the bed. I fell against my back, letting him climb over me.

  
“I need you now,” I breathed, feeling his erection pressed against my stomach. He felt full and ready. God, did I want him.

  
Bellamy reached between us to line himself up with me. I reached up to pull his head towards me as he pushed himself inside of me. A whine left my lips as he took too long to move. I didn’t remember pleading for him to move, but a low chuckle left his lips as he began a slow and steady rhythm between us. I wrap my legs around his waist as his pace quickened.

  
I never wanted this feeling to end. The feeling of being wanted by someone. Cherished. Adored. All of the above. More importantly, Bellamy made feel loved like I’d never felt before. No one’s made me feel like this. The amount of pleasure that surged through my veins was unlike anything else.

His hand reached between us and circled my bundle of nerves. He was close and so was I. Like a wave, I spilled over the edge with a breathy choked gasp. Bellamy’s lips found my throat as he rode out his own high. I held him close, keeping him in place until I was ready to let him go. But he didn’t seem to want to move any time soon anyways.  
I’ll never get sick of this feeling.

  
He pulled out of me and plopped on the bed beside me, covering the both of us up with the thin sheet. He pressed a kiss to my shoulder as he settled in. We lay there in silence, not saying anything. His hands wandered over my skin, grazing over my nipples and leaving goosebumps along the exposed skin.

Some time after he fell asleep, I was still awake thinking about that mason jar in the kitchen. I grabbed the discarded blanket from the floor and wrapped it around myself and making my way to the kitchen. There it sat on the table, sparkling in the glow of the almost spent candle. I wrapped my hand around it, and let whatever was out there decide what this jar would reveal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry this took so long. I don't even have an excuse, but I wanted to post another chapter! Please enjoy :)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this book seems to be a once a month occurrence! Sorry about that! It's been a bit crazy! GAH! But here is a new chapter! Hope you enjoy!

Two days later, I moved around the kitchen while Bellamy was out. Heavy knocks sounded at the door. My heart hammered in my chest as I walked to the door and pulled it open. Standing there was Octavia, but not as who she typically presented herself. She was dressed like most of us. Earth colored pants and a t-shirt. She almost looked like the girl who first stepped on Earth. No makeup, no edge to her expressions. But that girl buried herself under the floor years ago. This one looked like the Octavia I first met, but the hard edges and powerful aura of Blodreina remained.

  
“Your brother isn’t here,” I replied easily, blocking her from entering.

  
“Good,” she said in a short tone. “I’m here to talk about your theatrics from the other day.”

  
I rolled my eyes and let her in. She walked in and circled the living space, looking around. She brushed Bellamy’s books sitting on the table, open to where he was just before he left. I sucked in a breath, watching as she looked around.

  
“You guys decorated,” she mentions, fingers playing with the multicolored curtain. “These were supposed to be for clothes.”

  
“We wanted this to feel like a home,” I replied, moving to the table. “Not some stale environment you forced us to be in. We’re doing our best.”

  
“I see,” she nodded. “Why didn’t you let Miller bring you for a test? Is it because you haven’t tried yet?”

  
I shifted in my spot, unsure of how to proceed. This wasn’t just Wonkru’s leader. This was also the sister of the man I’m sleeping with…who I’m supposed to have a child with. I had to tread lightly because I didn’t want to overshare. If she was just the leader, then I might be more than happy to oblige, but she wasn’t just that.

  
“It wasn’t my date,” I replied. “Besides, it’s still too early to tell. It’s only been about a month, Octavia. You need to give it some time.”

  
She sighed, sitting on the sofa.

 

“Three are pregnant,” she said quietly. “Three. But one has no heartbeat.”

  
The sadness weighed on her, that much I could tell.

  
“Then you must be grateful,” I replied. “Two is better than none. But it’s still early enough that they could also lose their children.”

  
She nodded, running her hands over her face. She looked exhausted. The weight of the world weighing heavy on her slim shoulders. I knew the feeling, but I didn’t envy her for it. She bore it so we didn’t have to. Yet the feeling never once lifted off my shoulders.

  
“You should get some rest,” I mentioned, looking her over as I made my way to the kitchen to clean. “Take a slight sleep sedative before bed tonight. I would use Lemon Balm. It should help with your stress and help you sleep.”

  
“It’s not easy trying to save humanity, Clarke,” she snapped.

  
I paused, my hand on the damp rag. I’d been a victim of trying to save humanity so many times. I was the last person who needed to know how hard it was to save my people. I had to make the list where I decided who lived and who died. I killed those people in the mountain. I knew it was hard, and that those decisions would haunt me for the rest of my life.

  
“You’re also trying to have us make humanity.” I wiped the crumbs into the rag and sprinkled them into the bin. “I know what it’s like to make a decision like that, but you made it. Now you have to live with the consequences. If you set a date to check to see if women are pregnant, don’t surprise them. You’ve made us all vulnerable, Octavia. Pregnancy is probably the most vulnerable a woman can be.”

  
She paused, letting the words sink in. She was stressed, that much was clear. But I didn’t expect the words that came from her lips.

  
“I didn’t want to do this,” she said. “But they gave me no choice. Without children, we would be dead by the time we died. We need children because right now, there’s only about ten. The rest of them are dead, and I can’t let our people die.”

  
“You should have given us a choice,” I said. “Are you joining in with the rest of the population?”

  
“Would you if you were in my shoes?” she asked, narrowing her eyes.

  
“Yes,” I added. “I wouldn’t ask my people to do anything I wouldn’t also do. So, what is your answer? Yes or no?”

  
She stared at me for a moment before looking at her hands.

  
“Right now, no.” She said softly. “I figured I’d wait a year or two. When the next round happens.”

  
“That’s not fair,” I added.

  
“I wanted to wait until my brother had a kid first,” she sighed. “Seemed like the right thing to do when I forced him to be in the program.”

  
I swallowed, thinking about the constant conversations Bellamy and I had about children recently. It was bound to come up from time to time, it’s what our free time was for. We were required to make a child, and therefore, we talked about them a lot.

  
“Bellamy never wanted kids and you took that choice from him. He’s scared because of you.” I said.

  
“He’ll be fine,” she scoffed.

  
“I know,” I nodded. “But that’s because he has me. He told himself he’d never have kids because of what your mom went through when you were born. He doesn’t know what will happen if he’s sitting there, an infant in hand, and he can’t get help.”

  
“Your mom will be there, Clarke,” she rolled her eyes. “And you’ll be fine.”

  
“With all the women trying to get pregnant, and us only having a few doctors, what are the likelihoods of a doctor being available when we need one? Besides, medicine down here is not like the Ark,” I mention. “You sentenced women to die the moment you told them they need to utilize their wombs. Your brother has every right to fear for the future.”

  
Octavia looked over me, as if she were trying to figure out if I knew something she didn’t, but she didn’t say anything. I moved away from her and began to clean up after Bellamy. I stuck a piece of paper in his book, and closed it gently.

  
“Bellamy had a hard time even crossing that bridge of becoming just a little more than friends. We had all these new problems because you made it that way,” I said softly. “He’s just getting used to the idea, but I know he’s still scared he’s going to lose me one day. I don’t know what happened after he went to space, but he told me he can’t do it again.”  
She studied me. The look she gave me was one I didn’t quite understand because it’s one I had never seen on her before. Her eyes went softer and her clenched jaw slackened.

  
“You’ve started trying,” she murmured, looking a little surprised.

  
“Yes,” I said, not knowing why she was interested, or surprised.

  
She let out a soft laugh, shaking her head. I shelved his books on his little bookcase he made by his arm chair. His little corner of the world he wanted.

  
“You trust my brother?” she asked. “Because I don’t know if I do.”

  
“Your brother is a good man,” I defended. “He would protect me with his life. We—I don’t know what I’d do without him. He’s saved me more times than I can count, and there is absolutely no one I’d rather do this with than him.”

  
She nodded, looking at the shelf of books before wordlessly walking out. Her purpose here was never clear, masked by the facade she often carried. Blodreina and Octavia were two halves to a whole, and I could never figure out who I was talking to. I couldn’t tell if I was talking to Blodreina or Bellamy’s little sister. I hoped it was the second option.

 

***

 

I was sitting by the fire, cooking dinner when Bellamy came back. He had a bag of things thrown over his should, like most days. He offered me a smile as he leaned his weight against the door, shutting it. He slides the chain over it with practiced ease, and drops the bag down on the ground, the objects inside clunking together.

  
“Care to share the spoils?” I teased, spinning on the stool.

  
He shot me a wide smile as he lifted it back up, carrying it over to the kitchen table.

  
“They brought stuff from the bunker and what was left of Alie’s lighthouse,” he shrugged. “I went through and grabbed some stuff I thought you and I would probably like. I’ve got some paper and pencils, books—”

  
“Because you need more books,” I snorted. He rolled his eyes, but carried on.

  
His small collection grew day to day. I wouldn’t be surprised if every surface would have books all over them one day. I loved that he had something to do every day.

  
“I also grabbed some clothes and stuff for our room,” he said, sitting on a chair at the table. “Oh, I found some kids books since I figured we’d need those eventually.”

  
I paused my stirring to see him with a handful of books in his hands. Those big square ones. I held my hand out to see the books he found. He put them in my hand and I looked at them. The first one had a yellow snake on it and I flipped through the pages, looking through the book of beautiful images. I smiled as I looked through each of the eight books he grabbed.

  
He was thinking about our future.

  
I paused, stopping at one kids book that seemed to be geared more for Bellamy than anyone else. The cover was Olympus, with all the famous Gods and Goddesses standing in a row; Poseidon with water billowing at his feet, Zeus with his lightning bolts, and Athena and her weapons. I ran my finger over the cover, already thinking of him reading these books to a child.

  
“Clarke?” he asked, snapping me from my thoughts.

  
“Sorry, what did you say?” I asked, looking at him.

  
“I said I know we didn’t need them yet, but I wanted to grab stuff when it becomes available,” he said, leaning on the table. “I would be stupid not to. Besides, how often am I going to find a children’s version of Greek Mythology? And it doesn’t hurt to start now. It’s something that we’ll inevitably need.”

  
“It’s smart,” I nodded, handing the books back to him. “I’m still surprised you even found those. They’re beautiful.”

  
“Yeah,” he grinned. “The snake book I liked because of the pictures. It reminded me of some of the books on the Ark.”

  
“They were hardly books since they were on family tablets,” I rolled my eyes. “But I know what you mean.”

  
I went back to the pot, stirring as he sat there in silence, staring at the pile of books.

  
“It’s weird that I’m grabbing stuff for a kid that doesn’t even exist yet, isn’t it?” he asked. I turned, meeting his soft gaze. “I feel like it’s weird. This stuff should be going to the exchange where people can trade for these things.”

  
“No,” I shook my head. “It’s not weird, Bellamy. We are going to have a baby, and I want that kid to have the best life possible. When Madi was little, I told her stories with my drawings about my friends in space and under the ground. I could do the same for our baby, but these books open up a world of possibilities. Don’t give them away.”

  
He gave a half-smile, tapping his finger on a book.

  
“I think it’s because I want to be better than her,” he said. “I had to raise my baby sister while she was out doing god knows what to keep us safe. I don’t want that for our kid, Clarke. I want this kid to know a life where they don’t have to be afraid of having their parents taken away for something as mundane as existing. I also don’t want them to grow up without a dad. Octavia and I never had one and…I don’t know. I don’t know what it was like having that.”

  
I walked over to him and rested my hand on his, giving him a warm smile.

  
“You are not your parents, and I am not mine, Bellamy,” I said, crouching down to look in his eyes. “We learn from their shitty mistakes and we do better. That’s the best we can do. You might not have had a dad, but Octavia had you.”

  
“I was six,” he waved.

  
“But you were there when she needed someone,” I said, reaching up and brushing a stray curl from his face. “She might be a tornado now, but she knows she’ll always have you. You don’t walk away easy, and any kid would be lucky to have you as a dad. Octavia is lucky.”

  
He lets out a puff of a laugh, maybe one of disbelief. I squeezed his hand, not daring to take my eyes off of him.

  
“You need to talk to her, Bellamy. She loves you, but you need to let the past stay in the past.”

  
“I would do anything for her, you know that,” he said, coughing to clear his throat. “I don’t know how to get to her. She blamed me for Lincoln’s death and—”

  
“Make her listen,” I cut him off. “You know her better than anyone else out there because you raised her. Make her listen and make her get it through her thick skull. You can’t bring Lincoln back and it wasn’t your fault. If she doesn’t learn to forgive, she’s going to lose you, Bellamy.”

  
He sucked in a deep breath, looking at the pile of books.

  
“I fear she might already have lost me,” he said. “I’m not the brother who left that bunker six years ago.”

  
“And I’m not the same daughter who left that bunker,” I added with a laugh. “We all change. She just chooses not to see the good in who you are. She’s blinded by grief and tragedy. You saw that bunker, Bellamy. That was done in grief, and you need to help her grieve.”

  
“I don’t know how,” he said.

  
“You’ll figure it out,” I assured, giving his hand one more squeeze before standing up and walking back over to the fireplace, sitting down on the stool.

  
I heard him pull an item out of his bag. I turned to see that it was metal and vaguely bowl shaped. I could hear his question before it even left his lips.

  
“Do we have any of that scrubbing stuff?”

  
I smiled to myself upon hearing the inevitable question.

  
“Yeah, I’ll get it in a second,” I said, holding my finger up to take our food off the fire. I set it on the counter before lowering myself to the cupboard’s height to sift through everything. “I put it in a jar because I made too much, but it should be in here. Madi of all people taught me how to mix up this stuff.”

  
I began pulling out jar after jar, inspecting each and every one of them. I grabbed one in the far back corner and pulled it out and all the breath was nearly knocked out of my lungs. I stared at it for a few moments before I found my voice enough to ask Bellamy a question.

  
“Hey Bellamy,” I said, not tearing my eyes away from the jar. It was near impossible to keep my voice as even as I did.

  
“Did you find it?” he asked, not looking from his spot.

  
“That uh—that jar test,” I stammered. “What did you say was the positive result?”

  
We were both silent for a beat before he spoke. I couldn’t hear anything over the thrumming in my chest.

  
“You did the test?” he asked, pausing his movements.

  
“Just answer the question.” I gritted through my teeth. I didn’t want to hear small talk because this was something I needed an answer to.

  
He shifted in his chair, coughed, and said, “There should be a white film on top. You said it would be too early, so I’m—”

  
I turned and set the jar on the table in front of him, looking at him with wide, wild eyes.

  
“What are we going to do?” I whispered, looking at him with wide, burning eyes.

  
We both eyed the jar with the white film at the top with wonder, amazement, and fear. Bellamy hesitantly reached and took hold of the jar, eying it closely as if he didn’t believe what he saw within it. He swallowed, trailing his finger around the wavering line of liquid.

  
He took one look at me before he dropped to the ground and wrapped his arms around me, swaying side to side. I squeezed my eyes shut, hoping this would all disappear, but I knew better than to think that. It would never be okay as long as I was concerned. I clung to Bellamy as hard as he clung to me. His hands enveloped me in a crushing hug that spoke louder than any words that we could find.

  
The two of us sat on the kitchen floor, wrapped in each other’s arms for minutes, maybe even hours. In that moment, we needed each other. Life as we knew it was changing, and there would always be a piece of Bellamy that I carried with me.

  
“We’ll be okay,” he murmured into my hair. “I promise.”

 

***

 

I lay on my side, staring out the window in the depths of the darkness. The heat of the summer heated our room and my skin in a sticky fashion. My soft nightgown rode high as I kept my legs poking out of the thin sheet that covered our bed. The sheet was draped over my body, and beneath it, I let my fingertips brush against my stomach where I knew something bloomed beneath.

  
God, the thought itself scared me to my bones. Everything that I’d done in the past scrolled through my mind and I knew I didn’t deserve this. I didn’t deserve to have something so innocent and pure growing within me.

  
I could hear Bellamy in the main area of our home, cleaning up. I normally do that, but I excused myself to bed. It was a day I didn’t normally think I would ever experience. This day, to hundreds of thousands of women before me, was often filled with tears, but they were of joy. Yet all I felt was fear. Fear for my life, for Bellamy, and for the possibilities of what could happen to all of us.

  
Bellamy’s bare feet echoed in the hall as he came into the bedroom. He circled to my side of the bed and place a cup on the table beside my bed as he lowered himself beside me. I didn’t say anything as he sat there, looking down at me.

  
“We’ll get through this,” he said, reaching to rub my arm.

  
I didn’t answer, I instead continued staring into the night sky as his comforting hand ran up and down the expanse of my arm. Nothing he could say would take away the bottomless fear I had.

  
“This isn’t like closing a door or killing the Mountain Men,” I grumbled, not meeting his eyes.

  
“I know,” he nodded. “And we will get through this. My mom was just as scared, Clarke. She—she couldn’t tell anyone.”

  
“Yet your sister is the one who forced this on us,” I seethed. “How ironic.”

  
“We chose to start right away, Clarke,” he said, brushing the hair from my face. “I know you’re scared because I’m terrified. I don’t know what’s going to happen, and I know I can’t keep you safe from something that’s killed thousands of women. I’m afraid I’m gonna lose you because you’re-you’re Clarke. You’re my person.”  
I looked at him and reached for his trembling hand.

  
“I don’t even want them to know,” I whispered, closing my eyes. “I know they’ll find out, but god, do I want to keep this to just us. This is the one thing that’s unapologetically ours.”

  
“We’ve got a few weeks,” he assured me, resting his hand on my cheek. “Then we’ll have to accept the fact that we’re just like everyone else.”

  
I squeezed his hand to remind him that he wasn’t alone in this. Just like always, we had each other.

  
“I’m so scared, Bellamy,” I whispered, meeting his gaze. “I’m so scared they’re gonna do something and I’m gonna be left with a hole in my chest.”

  
He crawled over me and settled into his spot on the bed, pulling me into his chest.

  
“I won’t let that happen,” he assured me. “You and me are a team, and I won’t let them tear us apart.”

  
I still felt the tears well in my eyes.

  
“That’s not what I’m afraid of, Bellamy,” I whispered.

  
“What is it?”

  
I paused, looking at his hands, tracing the lines of his palms. I took in a shaking breath as I prepared to voice what I felt.

  
“I’m afraid to let myself even consider the idea of loving it because part of me fears they’ll take it away one day,” I said, pausing my tracing. “I’m afraid they’re going to make me go through this only to rip it away to raise to be a warrior, leaving me broken and bare. I lost Madi. I can’t lose this either.”

  
Bellamy pressed a kiss to my shoulder. Something so soft and tender, and so unlike him. At least unlike the Bellamy I was often with. This version of him felt intimate, vulnerable. Perhaps we were. We were having a child together, and nothing could stop that. We knew that the moment we were paired together, but now it was real.

  
“I won’t let that happen,” he said. “I’m the reason you lost Madi, and I refuse to let you lose another child.”

  
“I blame myself,” I said, turning to face him. “I should have destroyed the flame when I had the chance. The time of the commanders is over.”

  
“It’s not your fault for her not being here,” he said softly. “It’s Octavia’s.”

  
The words weighed on both of us.

"Get some sleep," he murmured, pulling the covers over him. I didn't think I could sleep if I tried.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! I hope you enjoyed this first chapter. This story has been in my mind for a while, and I finally got the urge to write it when I was watching The Handmaid's Tale last night. Make sure you leave some feedback and kudos if you liked it! You can find me @shemustbeprettyimportanttoyou on tumblr!


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